For example, you might text him as he’s on the way home from work and say something like, “I’ve been thinking all day about your body next to mine. I crave your touch. " While the two of you are out together, you might lean close and whisper in his ear, “I forgot how hot you look in that suit—I just want to devour you. "
This could be as subtle as a light touch on his arm as you’re talking or a brief squeeze as you brush past him in the kitchen. Rest your hand on his arm as you’re reading something together or on his leg when you’re in the car. Think back to how you might touch someone when you were flirting with them and trying to get their attention, then touch your husband in some of the same ways. The same facial expressions and looks work too! A fleeting, meaningful glance can make him feel the same way your hand brushing his chest or lingering on his arm would. Kissing and cuddling in bed at night, even if you’re not going to have sex, helps sustain your physical and emotional bond. [3] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
There are ways you can ease into this if you’re kind of shy about initiating. For example, you might send him a teasing text like, “I might have a surprise for you tonight in the bedroom. . . if you’re up for it. " Sending a sexy photo can also work to kick off something sexual. For example, you might tie a ribbon around yourself, text him a picture, and say, “You have a present. . . but you have to unwrap it. " This is also a good way to improve your own satisfaction. If you’re taking the lead, you can show him exactly how you like to be touched. [5] X Trustworthy Source Johns Hopkins Medicine Official resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins Hospital Go to source
For example, if he likes morning sex, you might set your alarm for 10 minutes early and wake him up with kisses and gentle caresses of his body. You can also initiate a quickie with a text. For example, if you’re at home and know he has a lunch break coming up, you might text him, “I have a special lunch for you. . . but you’ll have to come home to get it. " When he comes home, you can be waiting naked or in some lingerie he likes.
Remember that he wants to feel desired, so focus on what you love about him and make it seem like you just can’t get enough of him. For example, you might say, “Your body against mine makes me so hot,” or “I can’t get enough of how you feel inside me. " As long as you’re both comfortable with it, try watching pornography together to get some good ideas for dirty talk.
Don’t be afraid to use your words as well! For example, you might say, “That feels so good” or “I love when you do that” or “Please don’t stop. " If you have a vagina, know that faking orgasms isn’t doing anyone any favors. At best, all you do is teach him that whatever he was doing was working when it definitely wasn’t.
There’s science behind this, too. Multiple studies show that couples who make an effort to try new and different things in the bedroom report higher levels of sexual desire and greater sexual satisfaction. [11] X Research source Even trying a different position for penetrative sex might lead you to discover new feelings and sensations that you both really enjoy. [12] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source Don’t be afraid to try and fail at something. For example, many people experiment with roleplay to spice up their sex lives. But here’s the thing about roleplay: It’s actually really hard to convincingly do! You might end up collapsing in a fit of giggles—and that’s okay. It just gives you another opportunity to bond with each other.
A 2020 study showed having more pillow talk results in men specifically feeling more satisfied with their relationships. [16] X Research source So if you want to keep your husband sexually satisfied, try whispering sweet nothings in his ear after sex. Tell him how great he was and how amazing he makes you feel.
For example, you might approach your husband and say, “Tonight after dinner, I’d like us to sit down and talk about our sex life and how we can make it even better than it already is. " If things aren’t actually going that great, you might say, “I know our sex life isn’t as awesome as it could be. Can we talk about it? Your satisfaction is really important to me. " Sex is a “taboo” or “forbidden” topic in a lot of cultures and communities, so it’s understandable that you might feel shy or embarrassed about this at first. Just remember that this is your husband. Within the sanctity of marriage, it’s a good thing to talk about your sexual relationship.
For example, you might list “orgasm” as one of your needs. Then, you could discuss with him how often you normally orgasm when the two of you have sex and what specific things help get you there. If you want to take some time to think about this and write a list, that’s fine. But don’t just hand your lists to each other to read silently—sit down together and talk about them.
For example, you might say, “I really love when you touch me. If you used your tongue as well, it would really take me over the top. That would make our sex even more amazing than it already is. " Everybody likes different things in bed—there’s no “one size fits all” when it comes to sex. Remember that your husband is the ultimate authority of what pleases him. If you want him to be sexually satisfied, what he says is more important than what you’ve read in a magazine, seen in a video, or done with other men. To accept this kind of criticism, you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable—and that can be tough. You might feel the urge to get defensive, but try to have empathy for your husband and see things from his point of view. [20] X Research source Accepting his criticism and making changes to better please him also makes him feel more desired. You’re showing him that you’re sexually attracted to him and want to please him. [21] X Research source
For example, if he has a “hot nurse” fantasy, you might find a sexy nurse’s costume that you can wear some time to help act out his fantasy. To set the scene, you might start by texting him a picture of the costume laid out on the bed and say something like, “Are you ready for your physical tonight? I plan to give you a thorough examination. " Don’t be afraid to share your own fantasies as well. Many men are going to enjoy fulfilling your fantasies as much as you enjoy fulfilling theirs. You might even find that you have some fantasies in common. For example, you might have a fantasy of being tied up and helpless, and he might have a fantasy of rescuing a “damsel in distress. " Those two fantasies can definitely work together! You can share your thoughts and feelings with each other. [23] X Research source Try to make time for having fun together. [24] X Research source Make an effort to be playful and find something that works for the two of you as a couple. [25] X Research source
Scheduling a specific time for sex requires you to schedule other things around it, rather than the other way around. This is a great thing to try if you find that sex keeps getting pushed to the side in favor of other things you need to do. This doesn’t mean that, when the time comes, you have to have sex even if you don’t want to. Your libido might not always match up with your calendar—and that’s okay. Instead, spend that time relaxing and holding each other.
Becoming stronger and more physically fit also improves your self-concept and self-image, which one study showed is directly related to both orgasm and sex drive or sexual desire. [28] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source Kegel exercises, which strengthen your pelvic floor muscles, have sexual benefits for both men and women. To find your pelvic floor muscles, tighten or clinch as though you’re trying to keep from passing gas. Contract these muscles for 3-5 seconds, then release for 3-5 seconds. Repeat this cycle 10 times.
For example, you might each take a separate class one night a week, or join rec league teams in different sports. Spending time apart can be just as important as spending quality time together. Additionally, it turns out the old saying that “absence makes the heart grow fonder” actually holds some truth. When your partner’s not around, your imagination kicks in and they become more desirable—so you might plan solo weekend getaways, then get ready for a hot reunion. [30] X Research source
Marital or couples therapists can also help you work out issues that you’re having, but they usually don’t focus specifically on sex. A sex therapist, on the other hand, starts with your sexual relationship and works outward from that. It’s not uncommon to feel awkward about going to a therapist or talking about such intimate topics. A good therapist will help set you at ease so you feel comfortable talking to them.
For example, if you experience sexual dysfunction as a side effect of a medication you’re taking, your doctor might be able to prescribe you a different medication that will treat the same condition without that side effect. Hormone treatments can help both people who are experiencing a loss of libido or reduced sex drive.
