How to respond: Stick to what you know is true, and try not to believe what they say. When they push back, reply firmly with phrases like, “I was there” and “I know what happened. ”[2] X Research source Try talking to a friend or trusted loved one to gain an outsider’s perspective.
How to respond: Establish boundaries about how you should both approach a disagreement. For instance, use “I statements” to express what you need to communicate efficiently, and ask them what they need in return: “I need to be able to express my feelings, so I’d love for you to respect that. What do you need from me?”
How to respond: Stay firm and rational by saying, “I know what I saw, and I know I’m not crazy. Going forward, I’d love it if we could both avoid name calling. ”[3] X Research source This not only validates your reactions, but also helps them realize that they can’t control you.
How to respond: Acknowledge and know that it’s perfectly okay to have emotions. Explain this to them clearly, or remind yourself if you need to: “Yes, I have strong emotions, and that’s part of being human. ”[5] X Research source
How to respond: Gain control of your emotions and the situation by stepping back and saying, “I need some space to sort through my thoughts and make sure I’m not exaggerating. Can we revisit this when we’ve both cooled down?” This gives you a chance to regroup and plan what you want to say next. Keep in mind that gaslighting tactics work far better on people in heightened emotional states rather than calm states.
How to respond: Explain to them that you don’t appreciate the “jokes” they’re making and that they make you uncomfortable: “You may see it that way, but I find it insulting. And I know you don’t want me to feel that way, so I’d love for you to be more sensitive going forward. " If they continue to discredit your feelings even after you’ve made them know, it may be time to move on.
How to respond: Take a deep breath and firmly explain your reasoning using “I statements:” “No, I think we both need to work on things,” or “Yes, I believe you could’ve done things differently. ”
How to respond: Try to keep a level head and redirect the conversation back by saying something along the lines of, “I hope we can work on this together without blaming one another. ”[10] X Research source
How to respond: Keep in mind that you’re under no obligation to listen to them. If you’re not ready to end the conversation or “forget,” let them know that by saying, “Before we end this conversation, I have to get something straight…”[12] X Research source
How to respond: Come back with a gentle but firm explanation like, “I don’t claim to be perfect. I’m just asking you to listen to me. ” This is a great way to show them that they can’t control you.
How to respond: Know that you have a right to talk about things that are bothering you. [15] X Research source Calmly explain to them why you think it is a “big deal” by expressing your emotions and thoughts openly.
How to respond: Briefly acknowledge what they’ve said but steer things back on topic by starting your sentence with, “That may be, but…”[17] X Research source For instance, you may say, “That may be, but I wanted to make that decision myself. ”
How to respond: First, avoid comparing yourself to others—you’re fantastic, and it’s their problem if they want to make you question that! Then, firmly explain why their comment is unfair: “I’m not perfect, but I’m doing my best here, and it sort of feels like you’re trying to make me feel bad about myself. "
How to respond: Stay on topic when talking to a gaslighter. Redirect the conversation back to the main topic, and try to avoid acknowledging how they try to dismiss you. [20] X Research source You might say something like, “No, I’m not. But in this case, I know what I saw. ”
How to respond: Remind yourself of all your amazing qualities and strengths—you’re amazing. [22] X Research source In fact, you’re so amazing that you deserve to surround yourself with people who build you up, not break you down. Let the gaslighter know that this behavior is unacceptable: “I’m not okay with you purposefully trying to make me feel bad. I won’t accept this in the future. "
How to respond: Stay firm in your beliefs with the phrases, “I know what I saw. I know what I heard. I know what happened. ” And know that if your close connect is trying to isolate or manipulate you, that is 100% not okay. [24] X Research source Reach out to a loved one for support.
How to respond: Understand that you’re not in the wrong, and try to explain the situation from your perspective. You haven’t forced them to do anything, and at this point, it may be time to walk away. “We’re both adults, and I haven’t forced you to do anything. "
