Of course, he’ll have work and obligations like anyone else, but the main problem is the lack of balance: if you’re always at his beck and call, and he’s never doing the same, that implies he might be using you. You deserve to have a partner who works with you. If he won’t meet you halfway, it might be time to start setting boundaries—like refusing to cancel prior plans just because he wants you to.
You can have an honest relationship with a married man if he’s separated from his spouse with plans to divorce and be with you, but even then, his spouse should know about you. If his spouse, friends, and family don’t know you exist, consider asking him about his reasons and telling him what you want—whether that’s meeting them yourself or simply having him tell them about you.
If you feel like he’s restricting your ability to contact him on purpose, consider asking him why—or letting him know that you need to be able to contact your partner at any time for the relationship to work. Restricting communication might also mean he’s lying about his relationship status, either to you or his current spouse (or both). If he’s only communicative during certain times, he might be juggling multiple different relationships.
Dating can be an important part of many relationships. If you’re feeling neglected or upset because he won’t go on dates with you, explain why dating is so important and let him know what your expectations are. If he still refuses to go on dates with you even after you explain why it’s important, that’s another red flag. It shows that he’s entirely focused on what he wants, not what you might need. This can also be another sign that he’s being dishonest about his relationship status. If he’s not willing to be seen with you in public, he might be worried about other people finding out.
Ideally, if your married man is serious about you, he’ll be able to plan how he’ll leave his current spouse and even discuss things you’ll do together months and years down the road. Try bringing up the future if he won’t. Don’t spring anything huge on him; just ask him to make plans with you a couple of months ahead, or ask where he sees your relationship in a year. If he really does consider your presence in his life temporary, it’s up to you to decide if you’re okay with that or if you want to take initiative and leave the relationship behind.
Consider what you need in a relationship. If an emotional connection is important to you, you deserve to find a relationship that can give you one. If dating unavailable men is a pattern in your love life, you may also want to ask yourself why you tend to choose them as partners. Talking to a therapist could also help you understand the inner workings of your love life a bit better.
Consider talking to him if you notice that you’re putting most of the effort into the relationship. Let him know that for this to work, you need to feel like he’s as invested as you are. On the other hand, if he refuses to put the same effort into the relationship as you, it might be time to break things off—and eventually see someone new.
If you eventually realize that the married man you’re dating is using you, it may be tempting to blame yourself for failing to see this sooner. However, try to forgive yourself instead. It’s easy to blame yourself for not catching the warning signs, but it’s much healthier to let go of that guilt. You couldn’t have known what he would do, and punishing yourself won’t fix anything!
Signs of active listening include frequent eye contact and a genuine reaction to the things you say—like “Go on” or “What happened next?” You can also tell someone was listening when they remember the things you tell them. Pay attention to your man’s reaction while you talk. Does he seem interested? Is he meeting your eyes, fully facing you, and obviously following along as you talk? If not, he might not be listening at all.
Consider talking to him about the problem and explaining that you need to be able to count on him to show up when you make plans together. However, if he continues to be flaky, you don’t need to wait around on him. Live your own life! Spend more time with friends and family and less with him to build up your sense of independence. As you become more independent, you’ll also gain self-confidence and the knowledge that whether your relationship with him works out or not, you’ll be okay.
He might also try to gaslight you if you confront him about this behavior, making you feel like you’re being unreasonable or a burden for asking him to make you a priority. It’s important to remind yourself that your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to ask him for what you need so long as it’s reasonable. For example, asking him to choose you over his kids isn’t reasonable. However, asking him to leave work early to pick you up from the doctor or take time out of his week to plan a weekly date night is more than reasonable.
For example, a married man who’s just using you might avoid your concerns by saying he “might” want a family with you something, or “might” be able to leave his spouse soon. Try to differentiate between directness and beating around the bush. If he refuses to be any more specific or speak in definites rather than saying he “might” do something, he’s likely not being straightforward with you.
Think about what you’re willing to do before agreeing to the things he’s asking of you. You’re not obligated to do everything he asks, especially if it’ll negatively impact you in the process. Don’t let him guilt you into giving him big favors, either. Helping him shouldn’t come at the cost of your well-being; it’s okay to say no.
Sexual safety is important! Don’t be afraid to draw the line and insist that he do certain things (like wearing protection, for example) if he’s going to be intimate with you. Remember: having boundaries, especially important ones concerning sexual safety, is never a bad thing. He shouldn’t make you feel like the bad guy for staying in your comfort zone!
If you’re uncomfortable with anything he does, including this, don’t ignore it or make excuses. You may care about him, but that doesn’t mean you need to put up with disrespectful behavior. Whether or not you stay in a relationship with this man, it’s important to be honest with yourself. If he’s willing to change, do you trust him? If he isn’t, are you willing to stay—or is it time to call the relationship quits?
Take note of your beau’s behavior. Does he only seem to warm up to you when you’re willing to give him all the favors and intimacy he wants? That’s a sign that he’s using you. If you’re being manipulated, consider whether this relationship is healthy. It’s okay to leave an emotionally abusive relationship for your own well-being. Above all, if he isn’t treating you the way you deserve, the most important thing you can do is practice self-love and take care of yourself.
