It is absolutely 100% normal to be jealous every now and then. Don’t feel bad for feeling the way you do. It’s important not to ignore the fact that you’re jealous. Jealousy in any relationship is a totally normal feeling, but pretending that you aren’t jealous will just make the feeling that much harder to shake. This is ideal if you’re jealous and you sort of understand that this is a temporary feeling that you’re experiencing. This isn’t a great long-term solution if you’re naturally prone to jealousy, though.
If you don’t have another partner and you’re kind of feeling a little jealous because your significant other does have someone else, this might be a good time to setup that online dating profile, or do some swiping on Tinder!
If you don’t want to go on a walk, at least do something around your home to get moving. You could cook an elaborate dinner, walk around in your yard, or clean up your home.
“Does Jason like Sarah way more than they like me? What evidence is there that this is true?” “Is there any sign that Jason is unhappy in our relationship, or are things actually going well?” “Do I have an overreactive imagination? Have I been jealous in the past without having a good reason?” “Am I angry, scared, or anxious? Is it possible that my jealousy is coming from somewhere else?”
If you’re a talented artist, write a new song, break out your art supplies, or just sing to yourself while you take a long shower. If you’re athletic, you might go out with some friends and play some basketball, or hit the weight room and push yourself to break a personal record. If you’re a great conversationalist, invite an old friend out to dinner and just talk their ear off! Reignite a friendship and spread the love.
Think back on all of the compliments you’ve ever gotten. Remember positive comments on your physique, compliments you’ve received about your intellect, etc. Look back at all of the photos you and your partner have taken together. Think back on your dates and late-night conversations. All of that was totally specific to you and your partner. List all of the things you do that this other person doesn’t. You might include how much money you have, how much schooling you have, or how many friends you have.
Do something in the moment to distract yourself, acknowledge the way you feel, and move on. Jealous feelings only matter if you think they matter, and it’s okay if you wake up tomorrow and feel perfectly fine. Jealousy can be about ambition—a desire to be such a good partner that the other person has no need to go anywhere else. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be someone’s number one. [9] X Expert Source Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.
You might ask them, “Hey, I know you’re not doing anything wrong, but I’ve been getting really jealous recently. Can we talk about it?” From there, just explore what’s going on together. Discuss how each of you feel, and see if you can’t come to an understanding. These feelings can be complex, so don’t write anything off. So long as you approach the conversation from a place of understanding and mutual respect, this shouldn’t be a combative conversation. All you’re doing is discussing a valid feeling.
“Hey, I’d like to talk about how much time you’ve been spending dating around lately. I know we agreed to spend at least 5 nights a week together, and last week you went out 4 nights. Can we chat about it?” “I know you’ve really enjoyed hanging out with Alex lately, but you missed our last 2 date nights. It’s been kind of hitting me hard. Can we stick with our normal schedule?”
“I know we have a rule set to spend every Saturday together, and I keep clearing my schedule for you. You cancelled twice last month to hang out with Melissa, which is totally fine, but it made me feel awful. Should we pick a different day for one another?” “You know how we always check in with one another when we’re spending the night somewhere else? Is it okay if we amend that rule so we let each other know before 8 pm? I get really jealous and scared when you fire that text off after midnight. ”
It’s very possible that you’re only jealous because you feel like you’re supposed to be jealous. Don’t let other people set the expectations for your personal relationships. For many people in non-monogamous relationships, this uncomfortable feeling like you’re supposed to be jealous will totally go away after a while.
You might say, “Hey, I really want to talk about how much time you’re spending away from me. I really miss you, and I feel like I need a little more attention. I’m not mad or anything, but it is important to me. Can we talk about it?” If you feel like you can’t trust your partner to begin with, that might be the key problem here. If it is, addressing the reason you feel like you can’t trust them is essential here. Whether they’re not being forward with you or you’re being a little paranoid, solving the underlying problem is key.
You might say, “I know I’ve been getting a little jealous lately, and it’s really silly, but I want to let you know that a big hug and ‘I love you’ every now and then really means a lot to me. ” If you know you trend towards jealousy because of past experiences or relationships, try to remind yourself that your current partner(s) are not your past partners. Every relationship is different.
If you’ve ever been jealous when you started monogamous relationships in the past, the “open” component of this relationship probably isn’t a key factor in the way you’re feeling here. Studies do seem to indicate that there probably isn’t a major difference between monogamous and consensual non-monogamous couples when it comes to feelings of jealousy. [17] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source Don’t blame the openness here if it could just be “normal” jealousy.
There are counselors out there who have experience with non-monogamy, so try to find someone who has worked with someone in open relationships before.
Broaching this topic can be tough, and it can take a lot of time to process and work through what happened. You might start by asking, “Hey, I know we opened our relationship, and I’m not mad or anything, but I know we’ve both been having messy emotions. Can we explore changing our relationship together?” It’s okay if you close a relationship. Non-monogamy isn’t for everyone, and it isn’t a slight against your relationship if it didn’t work out.
