People with avoidant attachment styles often crave intimacy, but at the same time, they’re afraid of it. This is why your partner might be cold or shut down sometimes—it’s their way of coping with that fear.
It can be tough to give up on an important conversation without talking things through fully. Let your partner know that you’d like to revisit the topic by saying something like, “Can we talk about this later?” or, “I’ll give you a few minutes to collect your thoughts, but I’d like to continue this conversation. ”
Try to focus on what you can change, not what you can’t. You can’t change your partner’s attachment style, but you can change how you react to their behavior.
“Do you have a second to talk? I wanted to chat about what happened the other day. Don’t worry, it’s not anything super serious. ” “Hey, could we chat real fast? I just wanted to talk something through with you, but I’m not mad. ”
If you’re having a tough time keeping your tone neutral, take a few deep breaths and count to 10 before you start talking.
Instead of saying, “You always ignore me,” try, “When I don’t hear from you throughout the day, I feel worried. ” Instead of, “You treat me terribly,” try, “I feel like I should be a higher priority in your life. ”
“I’d really like it if we could spend at least 2 days a week together. Does that work for your schedule?” “It’s fine if you’re busy, but I need you to text me at least once a day. I just want to know that you’re okay. ”
“I know you don’t like talking about your emotions, but sometimes, I need to express mine. Can you try to listen to me, even when it’s uncomfortable for you?” “When you need space, just let me know. I’m fine leaving you alone for a while, but I need to know ahead of time so I don’t worry about you. ”
“I understand that you need your space, but I’d like to spend more quality time together. Could we try to go out on a date at least once a week?” “We don’t need to call each other every day—I know that’s tough for you. Maybe we could commit to at least texting each other in the evening?”
“Thanks for texting me yesterday when you needed some space. It was great to know beforehand that I wouldn’t hear from you. ” “I really appreciate you listening to me talk about this. I know emotions are tough for you to handle, and I can tell you’re working hard. ”
Ask follow up questions to show that you want them to keep going. Say things like, “Interesting, can you tell me more?” or, “Could you explain that?” Empathetic listening also gives your partner a good model of how they should be listening to you.
For the most part, people can change small things about themselves, like how messy they are or how late they stay up. But their personality types and attachment styles need a lot of work to change.
For instance, you might help them change their flat tire or give them a ride when they need it. Even little things can improve your relationship and bring you two closer together.
If your partner is uncomfortable with words of affirmation, try showing them affection in other ways. Buy them a small gift or do a chore for them around the house to let them know that you care.
“Have you ever thought about seeing a professional? I think they could help a lot with what you’re struggling with. ” “I think that we should see a couple’s counselor together. They can help us find a communication style that works for the both of us. ”
