Research has found that we usually become envious of people who are similar to us. For example, you may compare yourself to a coworker or a friend. If you have a lower self-esteem, it’s easier to see people as threats and look down on yourself. You may think someone is “funnier” or “happier” than you. “Malicious” envy causes you to feel hostile toward others and see them as rivals, while “benign” envy can motivate you to be “better. " Still, both forms of envy cause you to fall into comparative thinking. [3] X Research source
An illustration of your “core self” will help you process envy because what you feel insecure about is typically outside of your “core self. " For example, if you value kindness, need words of affirmation, and believe in reciprocity, you’re unlikely to feel insecure about competing with anyone over any of these elements of your “core self. " They’re just part of who you are.
In the case above, you might compare yourself to people you think are more stylish, witty, or well-spoken than you are. You may feel threatened by them and worry they’ll “replace” you. Work performance, abilities, or status all exist outside of our “core self” and involve the perception of other people, so they can all trigger envy or comparisons. Criticism can also make you feel like you’re “inferior” to other people or create insecurities. Remember that no one’s words can change your “core self” or your value.
A way to swap envy for self-compassion may sound like: “They look like such a perfect couple. I wish I had more quality time in my relationship. I need that sense of connection. ” Also steer clear of prideful remarks like: “They might have beautiful wedding pictures, but I have a better house. ” This type of commentary keeps you in a cycle of unhelpful comparisons.
It’s easy to think their situation is perfect if you just look at surface-level details. Typically, people are a lot more discreet about the negative parts of their lives. You’ll humanize others and build empathy when you don’t see them as flawless.
A “devaluing” thought: “I’m not noticed as much in the group now that Justin has been hanging out with us. I used to be ‘the funny one’ and now everyone pays more attention to him. Sometimes I wish he’d have an off day. " A “corrected” thought: “I know that I am feeling left out or undervalued by my friends, but that doesn’t mean that Justin is funnier. We’re just different. We have unique types of humor, and that is okay. "
Your focus will shift away from what you don’t have to what you do have. Trying to search for every possible blessing can be a fun challenge. Expressing gratitude is a stress-relieving activity that can combat frustration.
Remember that you bring a new perspective to any group. Everyone makes mistakes, so choose to look at them as learning experiences. Stand up for inclusivity and diversity instead of drawing comparisons.
Affirmation about a talent: “I have a real knack for digital painting. " Affirmation about a personality trait: “I am giving and kind. " Affirmation about self-love: “I accept myself unconditionally. "
For example, write in a journal, “Three months ago, I ran an 11-minute mile, and now I’m down to a 9-minute mile!” You can also set new standards for helping others. You may say to yourself, “This month, I was able to volunteer at the soup kitchen every weekend!”
When you congratulate others, you practice “capitalization,” a type of social support that makes both you and the other person feel positive. When you compliment others often, it’ll become a reflex that replaces envy. If you model genuine joy for what others accomplish, they’ll cheer you on, too.
For example, say, “I noticed that you built such a strong following online. It must help your business a lot! I’m so inspired by your drive and branding. Do you have any tips about how I can begin to promote myself?”
Also follow social media or read content that empowers you—for instance, browse a page full of motivational quotes or check out tips on how to boost your self-esteem.
If you can, try to change the subject if someone becomes competitive. Model gratitude to try to encourage people to see the value in others. Excuse yourself and leave if the conversation becomes too toxic.
Ask about cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which can improve how you evaluate yourself and others. It can also help you switch from feelings of envy to more productive behaviors, like self-care or self-improvement.
