For instance, maybe you get upset whenever your SO works late, because a previous partner used that as an excuse when they were being unfaithful to you. Ask yourself, “Do I have good reason to think the same thing is happening now? Is there actually any other evidence that they’re cheating?” In some cases, you or your partner might have legitimate reasons to feel jealous or insecure. Ask yourself if your partner is honest and respectful with you, and vice versa. If not, it might be time to step back and rethink whether the relationship is really working. [2] X Research source
Try imagining the jealous thoughts flowing through you. Don’t try to force them to go. Just breathe deeply and picture them being carried off down the stream of your thoughts until they disappear. Alternatively, write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal or a private document on your computer. Putting your worries down in writing can make them feel less urgent and overwhelming. When you feel jealous, don’t react by angrily confronting your partner, trying to spy on them, or going through their phone for “evidence. ” Those sorts of behaviors won’t make you feel better—they’ll just create more tension and hard feelings in your relationship. [4] X Research source
For instance, maybe you get jealous whenever you see your SO conversing with someone attractive. You might notice that you have thoughts like, “I’ll never be that good-looking. ” This might mean that the source of your jealousy is actually insecurity about your own attractiveness—not anything your SO is doing. Once you have an idea of what’s causing the jealousy, you can work on addressing it (for instance, by challenging unrealistic or negative thoughts about yourself).
Meditating. Doing mindful meditation is especially good for helping you notice and deal with negative thoughts and feelings that might contribute to jealousy. Going for a walk or getting some exercise. Working on a creative project or hobby. Talking to a supportive friend or family member. Reading a book or watching a favorite TV show or movie. Listening to peaceful music.
Say something like, “Hey, sometimes I feel a little insecure when you spend so much time texting your coworker. I know it’s probably nothing, but I’d just like a little reassurance that there’s nothing going on between you two. ” Likewise, if you’re bothered by your partner’s jealous behaviors, don’t hesitate to let them know. Try saying, “I feel really uncomfortable when you keep calling while I’m out with my friends. Can we talk about what’s going on?”[8] X Research source When they respond, actively listen to what they have to say and really make an effort to understand it. Don’t interrupt or try to contradict or minimize what they’re saying, even if you don’t agree.
Try the same technique if your partner is the jealous one. Instead of, “You’re so suspicious all the time, why don’t you cut me some slack?” try something like, “I get really uncomfortable when you grill me about what I’ve been doing at work. Can you please try to give me the benefit of the doubt?”
You could say something like, “I think we’re both starting to get tense, and I don’t want this to turn into a big argument. I’m going to go for a walk and clear my head. We can talk more later. ” If you’re having trouble calming down in the moment, try taking 3 deep, slow breaths. You can also try counting to 10 backwards or focusing on something you can feel, see, smell, or hear. [11] X Trustworthy Source National Domestic Violence Hotline Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse Go to source
For instance, ask yourself where your jealous partner’s feelings might be coming from. Did they have a bad experience in a past relationship? Have you ever hidden things from them or lied about something, even if it was something minor? If you’re jealous, think about how your behavior comes across to your partner. Are you constantly checking in on them or grilling them about what they’ve been doing? How would you feel if they did the same to you?
Say something like, “I know you feel really anxious when I’m out late, and I totally get it. I care about you a lot and want us to be able to trust each other. ” If you struggle with jealousy, say something like, “I realize that it gets on your nerves when I keep asking questions like this. I’m trying hard to be more trusting, and I hope you can be patient with me while I work through these feelings. ”
Talk to your partner about setting some accountability ground rules that you can both agree on. For example, you might promise to call each other if you’re going to be out late, or agree to check in occasionally when you’re spending time with friends. [15] X Research source Avoid lying to your partner about things, even if you think the truth might upset them. You’ll set a good example with your honesty and help them see that they can trust you to tell the truth. You can also set reasonable expectations about how you and your sweetheart behave with other people. For example, you might both agree not to follow exes on social media or make flirty comments to other people. [16] X Research source
For instance, you might say, “I’m just going out to have a couple drinks with my friends from out of town. I’ll call you to check in when I get to the bar, but I can’t keep texting back and forth all evening. ” Respect your partner’s need to have outside relationships and time away from you. Ask them to do the same for you.
It can be hard to find one-on-one time when you’re both really busy, so be intentional about it. Try setting aside a time at least once a week to do something together. Even when you’re not doing anything special together, look for ways to show appreciation and affection for your SO. For example, give them a kiss or squeeze their shoulder when you walk by, leave them a little note to say “I love you,” or take a moment to thank them for something nice they did.
You feel like your partner tries to control who you can spend time with, or vice versa. Your partner expects you to check in with them constantly, or you expect them to do so. You and/or your SO are always suspicious of one another or refuse to give each other the benefit of the doubt. One or both of you acts possessive or gets angry easily. One or both of you feels the need to spy on the other or check the other’s emails or texts.
If your partner won’t go to therapy with you, consider going on your own. You can still learn valuable coping skills that might help you deal with your own jealous feelings, cope with your partner’s behavior, or decide if it’s time to move on. You might also find it helpful to vent to a close friend or family member about what you’re going through. Just talking to someone sympathetic and getting an outside perspective can be a big help. [22] X Research source
