When you reach out, try easing into the conversation by saying something like “Hey, I noticed we haven’t been talking recently. Did I do something wrong?” or “You seem angry at me, is there something I can do?” If she’s cut off contact with you, this might not be the way to go. It’s best to let her have some space and work on yourself instead. Asking her too many questions too soon can make things worse, so only reach out if it’s something you think she would be reasonably comfortable discussing.
Ask yourself where the road bumps were in the relationship. If it was something out of your control like distance or interference from friends or relatives, rebuilding things could be simpler as you work out how to avoid or deal with these issues. If your last fight ended things, try to remember it as clearly and objectively as you can. Try to see things from her point of view as well as yours. Did either of you say hurtful things you didn’t mean? What led up to the fight? Was it something either one of you did or was it more complicated?
Giving her space might also mean starting things again more slowly. If she allowed you to keep in touch, reach out with a simple greeting to see how things feel. Take it a step at a time by limiting yourself to one message per day or per week depending on how she responds. You could try sending her something as simple as “Hey, how’ve you been lately?” or “I just wanted to check in since it’s been a little while. I missed talking to you”.
Acknowledging the wrongful act or behavior Understanding you hurt her feelings Expressing remorse and an intent not to repeat what you did wrong Asking for forgiveness Making amends
Expectations also put limits on yourself. If you go in thinking things will be impossible, you may not want to work as hard on yourself as you would otherwise. On the other hand, if you go in assuming things will be fine, you’ll be disappointed and more likely to regress. Go into this process hopeful and humble and set yourself up for a journey instead of a destination. The important thing isn’t so much whether or not you get her back as a girlfriend as it is whether or not you get back into a healthy relationship at all.
This often includes asking some tough questions to start. Are you ready and committed to making this change? Are you clear about what needs to change? What are you most insecure about? How will you address what you need or want in a healthy way? This can also mean making a plan or a list of what you need as part of how you will grow. For example, if you were unfaithful, making a list of what you need from a relationship in terms of affection or intimacy can be helpful. If you sent too many messages because you were insecure and needed assurance, setting some hard boundaries in a written plan might help. For example, this could mean setting a limit to how many messages you send in one day, not sending messages during or after certain times, or coming up with distractions in case you start having racing thoughts.
Ask her how school or work has been lately. If you know a project or goal she’s been working on, you could say something like, “How did that presentation go? I know you worked really hard. ” You could bring up something mutual like, “Did you ever see that movie we talked about last month? I thought it was amazing! I wish we could’ve gone together”. If she doesn’t want to talk to you, she may tell you to stop or not respond at all. If you don’t want to push things, you might have to move on. Otherwise, you can take the time to explain that you’d like to apologize and work on things. This admission could be enough to at least let her allow you to talk to her more regularly. Take it slowly and be patient. This is a vulnerable time for both of you.
If she tells you it’s okay to talk to her but not to send her messages during work or late at night, make a mental note. If you’re not sure, ask her for specific times or schedules. As you keep within these boundaries, she may be willing to open up more as time goes on. If a problem in the relationship was that you were being self-absorbed, now would be a time to ask her questions. Listen to her answers and express genuine interest in her. To start things off, you might ask about anything she’s excited about lately like work, school projects, or upcoming trips.
Be careful with this option, especially in early stages. This can come off as you being too aloof or not taking her feelings seriously. Use this option after some time has passed and you’ve been able to talk more regularly.
If you’re in the beginning phases of rebuilding your relationship, going for a walk in the park or out to dinner are two good options. Spending time together regularly as friends makes things easier. You can be more casual and relaxed, and she’ll find it easier to open if she doesn’t feel pressure to make things serious or exclusive again right away.
While this might be a good option for neutral or safer ground, it may present some more trouble if your friends don’t agree with you about pursuing the relationship. Be clear about where you all stand with this topic first. This step might be good at getting you two close, particularly in scenarios where you have to work together. Going out to play some sports with friends could mean you get to be on a team with your ex, and it’ll give you a chance to show your best traits.
Don’t take this as a first or even an early step. If the breakup is still fresh, but you’re eager to try and get back together, hold off on flirting anyway. Not only does this show respect for her space and boundaries, it also tests your restraint. If she shows any discomfort or uncertainty, back off immediately. Remember, her feelings are just as important as yours in any relationship you build, and it’s more important to have mutual respect first.
If need be, have a conversation with her about this throughout the process. Ask her if it’s okay to touch her at all, especially if you feel like she hates you. If she’s okay with it, start slowly and gauge if she’s comfortable going further. Being open and honest can lead her to trust you more which will make affection more meaningful.
Be open and honest to discussing difficult subjects with her. This could mean anything from your childhood to what you want or need most from her in the relationship. This is a good time to ask questions and figure out your boundaries together so you’re on the same page. Talk about how you both can resolve conflict without yelling or getting physical. Ask how much affection she’d be comfortable giving and receiving. Tell her what you struggle with most in relationships like jealousy or loneliness, and talk through ways to go about those concerns together.
