You might, for instance, list items like the following: “We still have a strong focus on each other’s wellbeing. ” “We generally agree on our current and future financial plans. ” “We make each other laugh when we spend time together. ” “We both fully agree that we don’t wish to have children. ”

Is my spouse my friend? Do I trust my spouse? Am I attracted to my spouse? Are we emotionally disconnected? Do I feel unhappy? If so, why? What are our (and my) main challenges? Does my partner know how I feel? Can I still envision a happy future with my spouse?

Here’s a right and wrong way to do this exercise: Right: “I could have been more open and honest with my spouse about the changes in my sexual needs, desires, and concerns. ” Wrong: “It’s my fault my spouse cheated because I didn’t agree to have sex often enough. ” You are not to blame for your spouse’s shortcomings. And you only have control over fixing your shortcomings—not theirs.

Can you be a better listener? More empathetic? More affectionate in ways that resonate with your spouse? Can you pledge to adjust your negative mindset? To be less reflexively critical of your spouse? Can you adjust your work-life balance? Seek help for addiction, mental health issues, or other personal matters?

You might say, “I feel like we need to spend more time together. I would like for us to set aside a weekly date night. Would you be interested in trying that?” Choose a time to talk when you’re both calm and relaxed.

They could still get defensive, or hostile, or refuse to admit that there’s anything wrong. That’s okay. Give them time to “come around” while you work on yourself.

If your spouse isn’t willing to share their perspective or feelings, make your best guess based on their actions, attitude, and comments.

If your spouse cheated on you, encourage them to be open about where they’re going, who they’re hanging out with, and so on. If your struggle with addiction has caused problems, talk openly about your struggles and the recovery process. [11] X Expert Source Lauren Urban, LCSWLicensed Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 3 September 2018. If your spouse isn’t ready for this yet, give them some time. Just keep in mind that saving your marriage depends on re-opening the lines of communication.

This works best if you both agree to practice forgiveness, but it’s beneficial for you even if you have to practice forgiveness alone. It’s important to express your forgiveness, as well. For example, “I forgive you for making major financial decisions without my input. I want to work together to move forward and improve our financial situation. ”

Forbidding personal attacks when you disagree Resolving minor conflicts before going to bed Sharing household responsibilities equally

Volunteer together to support an important cause Sign up for an art course or take improv classes Go on a walk together after dinner each night[16] X Expert Source Allen Wagner, MFT, MAMarriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.

Restoring intimacy can take time and effort in a struggling marriage, especially if infidelity has been an issue. Give it time and take it slow, focusing first on small steps like holding hands.

If you both agree your marriage can be saved, move on to marriage counseling and learn strategies for how to save it. [20] X Expert Source Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCCMarriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 7 August 2019. If you both agree that the marriage is over, or your opinions remain divided, it’s probably best to move forward with dissolving the marriage. Some marriage counselors also do discernment counseling, or you might work with a therapist who focuses specifically on discernment counseling.