Do not use this to try and justify their actions in your own mind. Simply remember that a codependent person is not operating in the same frame of mind as you. Their actions are being guided by a mental health problem.
For example, codependence is often seen in the parents and spouses of addicts. The codependent person may feel an endless obligation to take care of the addict for fear of what would happen if they don’t. Think honestly about whether you have behaviors and tendencies that might be feeding into a codependent person’s behaviors. If so, you may be part of a codependent relationship.
Low self-esteem Constant people-pleasing Little to no boundaries Caretaking as a means of control Painful emotions
Don’t expect your family member to see their behavior as codependent if they haven’t already come to that conclusion on their own. Trying to force your family member to see your perspective may only make matters worse. Treatment in the form of psychotherapy is available. However, your family member likely won’t seek it until they come to their own conclusion that there are no other options.
If, for example, your mother asks for some fashion advice about shoes, this is a normal and healthy interaction. If she comes to your house to replace all of your shoes because she believes you aren’t getting the best arch support, this is a codependent action.
If, for example, it is important for you to have time every evening to wind down and disconnect for the day, make a boundary that says you will not answer calls, texts, or social media after a certain time. If you do choose to let your family member know about your boundaries, state them as fact. You don’t need to rationalize them. You can simply tell your family member, “I’ve decided I don’t want to be on my phone or computer after 7 pm anymore. ” Then, stay steady on your new policy, even if they argue or disagree.
In some cases, when codependent behaviors are not spiraling or threatening your sense of self, you may use a calm response. These could include, “Sorry, I just wouldn’t be comfortable doing that,” or “Yes, I see that you don’t have the same point of view; we are not communicating. ” In situations where you feel it is important to disengage quickly, a simple “No,” or “I can’t do that,” will work. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Your family member may develop an emotionally-charged response, but you are not obligated to meet their emotions.
Nonviolent communication relies on explaining how you feel without blame or criticism and expressing your needs with empathy. For example, instead of saying, “You always try to control me! Stop!” you may say, “When I hear you telling me that, I feel like I don’t have personal autonomy. I value being able to make that kind of decision for myself. Would you be willing to let me do so?” Using “I” statements helps communicate your point without assigning blame or causing your family member to get defensive.
In these situations, you may choose how detached you want to be. For example, you could decide you don’t want to be around your family member without other people around, or you may decide you don’t want to be around them period. Always leave a situation if you feel it is potentially dangerous.
Initially, codependent individuals may react with anger or aggressive outbreaks. Try your best to not react to these outbursts. These are fear-driven reactions that you should not indulge or let impact you. If there are moments where you are frustrated, try not to engage in anger. Instead, take a deep breath and think about what you are going to say before you say it. If you need to, you can even excuse yourself for a minute until you feel calm enough to return to the situation.
For example, you may make an evening routine out of going for a run, then taking a hot bath afterward. Look for things that both prioritize your personal health, and help you relax and detach from the stress of your codependent family member. These practices will become a type of self-care, which is critical for coping with and moving on from codependency.
For example, this could mean simply asking someone directly for the thing you want, instead of going through a process of detachment to avoid manipulation.
