You may have a specific behavior you want to see changed. For example, your goal may be to get an employee to stop breaking a company rule, or for a student to stop shouting out over classmates when they’re excited. Your goal could also be to help somebody improve. For example, you might want to show a co-worker a better way to communicate with customers, or help a teacher you manage get better at classroom management. If you don’t have a good answer to the question, “What is the point here?” you may not need to criticize anything. Having a criticism in mind doesn’t mean it needs to be shared.
There may be occasions where a harsh or serious tone is called-for. If you catch your child playing with fireworks, or you have an employee cursing in front of customers, it’s really important that you emphasize how serious the issue is.
If you criticize someone in front of other people, they may feel like they’re being attacked or publicly-shamed. The odds are much higher that you have a productive conversation if nobody else is around to witness it.
If you’re critiquing a child, you may say, “I love you very much and I appreciate how much work you’ve been putting in at school, but I just got off the phone with your teacher…” If you’re talking to an employee, you could say, “I’ve seen you crushing it on the sales calls, and I think you’re doing a great job, but we need to talk about your punctuality…” To critique a friend, you might say, “I know you care about me and you know that I care about you, but something has been bugging me recently…”
For example, instead of saying, “You need to stop talking to your dad that way,” you might say, “I don’t feel good when I hear you talking like that to your father. ” If you were critiquing your friend, you wouldn’t want to say, “You never pick up the phone when I call. ” It might be more productive to say, “I feel like we’re not really talking as often as I’d like. ”
If your employee has been getting in trouble at work, you could say, “If you were in charge and you had an employee with multiple customer complaints, how would you address that situation?” or, “If you had to evaluate your performance, what would you say?” If you were talking to your child, you might say, “If you saw one of your classmates acting like this, what would you think of them?” If you were talking to a friend, you could ask, “How do you feel when your friends talk behind your back?”
If you’re meeting with an employee that’s often behind on their work, you might say, “I know you’re looking for a promotion, so I thought we could chat a bit about things you could change to get where you want to be. How does that sound?” If a co-worker is underperforming at work, you could say, “I know you’ve mentioned that you’re trying to improve your sales numbers, and I had an idea that may help with that. Do you want to chat about it?” If you were talking to a child, you might say, “I know you want to go to summer camp with your friends, but if you don’t get your grades up, you may end up in summer school. ”
For example, instead of telling a struggling salesperson, “You don’t have a good rapport with the customers,” you might say, “I think you could improve the way you communicate with the customers. ” As another example, instead of telling a poorly-dressed co-worker, “You look sloppy,” you could say, “I don’t know if I would choose to wear that to work. Let me explain…” This is especially important if you’re critiquing a partner or family member. Don’t tell your partner, “You’re so mean to me!” say, “I don’t appreciate it when you talk to me that way. ”
You might tell an employee who shows up a few minutes late, “Look, I know it seems like a little thing, but I’d appreciate it if you clock in exactly at 9:00 am, and not 9:04 or 9:02. ” For something serious, like a worker cursing at rude customers, you might say, “I’ve got to level with you here. It’s extremely important that you don’t talk to customers like that. It impacts the reputation of this company. ” If you’re critiquing a child, it’s important to emphasize why you’re trying to correct them. If they’re doing something dangerous, they need to know how serious it is.
For example, if you’re critiquing your partner because they’re skipping out on housework, you might say, “I know you’re trying to catch up at work, and I appreciate you for contributing to our home, but I’d love some help with the dishes every now and then. ” If you’re talking to a child, you might say, “I know you get excited sometimes and it can be hard to control yourself, but I’d appreciate it if you don’t act out like the next time you have friends over. ” You might tell a tired late-night worker, “I know these night shifts are really tough, and it’s hard to get enough rest, but when I see you sleeping on the job, we have to talk about it. ”
For example, you might tell an employee who keeps forgetting a part of their uniform, “So, the next time you get ready to leave the house for work, remember to check your bag for the name-tag. If you do forget it, come see me before your shift starts and I’ll give you a backup. ” If you have a roommate that’s not pulling their weight, you could say, “Stacy is handling the kitchen and I’m going to clean the bathrooms. Can you take care of the yard work every week?”
For example, you could close out a chat with a struggling student by saying, “I know how smart and kind you are. I believe in you, and I’m sure you can do this!” You might tell an employee who’s struggling with confidence, “You’re a real asset to our team, and I know you’ve got what it takes to improve. ”
You could close out with something like, “Does all of this sound fair to you?” or, “How do you feel about all of this?” and just let the other person share. If they seem resistant by the end of the conversation, you could even close with something like, “I totally get why you’re frustrated. I’d be frustrated too, but we still need to address this. ” If they get defensive or upset that you’re critiquing them, try to reel things in a bit and remind them you’re just trying to help. You might say, “I’m not trying to put you down here. I’m just trying to help, and I’m sorry if it doesn’t feel that way. ” If someone gets so bent out of shape that they start yelling or something, keep calm, try to help them relax, and just let it go. They’re clearly not in a headspace where this is going to be a productive conversation.
