This is a great technique to use during arguments or big fights. Giving yourself and your partner a moment away from each other lets you both gather your thoughts without emotions clouding them.
Deep breathing also helps slow your heart rate down, which can help remove some of the physical symptoms of extreme anger. [3] X Research source Practice deep breathing when you aren’t angry so you know exactly how to do it when you start to get upset.
If you’re talking with your partner and they ask why you aren’t saying anything, let them know that you’re thinking about what you’re going to say next. Ask them to give you just a moment to collect your thoughts so you don’t say something you regret.
Clenched hands or jaw, muscle tension (like shoulders) Feeling flushed Faster breathing Headache Pacing, increased need for movement Pounding heart
You can also use this phrase as a trigger to help you calm down again.
For instance, if you’re angry about your partner’s spending habits, you might actually be feeling afraid about getting into debt. Or, if you’re angry that your partner is late for your dinner date, you might actually be feeling hurt or rejected by them.
Generalizing: Saying that your partner ALWAYS does something, or NEVER does something. (“You NEVER take out the trash” or “You ALWAYS cut me off when I’m speaking”). Blaming: Your first reaction is to externalize blame when something goes wrong. You may blame your partner for things that happen to you instead of taking responsibility. (If you leave your phone on a bus, you blame your partner for distracting you). Mind reading: Assuming that your partner is purposefully hurting you, ignoring you, or upsetting you. (If your partner doesn’t do the dishes, you assume that they are avoiding them as a way to get back at you). Looking for the final straw: Actively looking for things to be upset about or only focusing on negative things. Often, this occurs one small thing at a time, until you reach the “final straw” and explode.
”Is my perception an accurate and valid approach to the situation?” ”Is there something I can do about this?” ”Is this ruining the rest of my day? Is this something worthy of pursuing?” ”How important is this in the grand scheme of things? Is this something that greatly influences our relationship?”
You can help this along by using “I” statements. [11] X Research source For example, instead of saying, “You always come home late,” say, “When you come home late without telling me, I feel neglected in our relationship. ”
For example, you might say, “I hear you saying that you want me to consider your feelings more and not assume you want something. Is that right?”
For example, you might say, “I need you to text me when you’re going to be staying out late. It worries me when I don’t hear from you after dark. ” Or, “It would really help me out if we could make a chore chart and split the chores evenly. ”
Some situations are so tough that they take a long time to forgive. If you aren’t sure that you can forgive your partner, it may be time to seek couple’s counseling.
If you have insurance, check with your provider to find a mental health professional in your plan. If you don’t have insurance, consider a cheaper alternative like online counseling.
