For example, if your boyfriend is chewing loudly or watching TV at a high volume, you might feel anxious or stressed and lash out. Or, if you’ve had a stressful day at work or you’re feeling bored, you might be more on edge.
You might want to say something to your boyfriend like, “Hey, I’m feeling a little flustered and I need to calm down. Just give me like 5 minutes. ” That way, he knows you aren’t mad at him and that you’re just trying to take a timeout.
For instance, if you get irritated at your boyfriend for chewing loudly, you probably don’t need to start a fight with him about it. But, if you’re annoyed that your boyfriend is always late to events, it might be something you want to bring up.
For example, if your boyfriend says, “I’m just really stressed with work right now,” he just means his job is tough. He doesn’t mean that he needs you to get a better-paying job to take the pressure off of him. If your boyfriend says, “I’m really tired,” he’s actually just tired. He doesn’t mean that you’re exhausting him or that he needs time away from you.
For example, maybe you were about to say, “The house is a mess. Why didn’t you clean up?” Instead, take a breath and think. Then, revise your sentence to something like, “Hey honey, it’s getting kind of messy in here. Could we work together to clean up a little before we relax?” Or, maybe you were about to say, “You never pay attention to me. You’re always on your phone. ” Take a moment to think, then say, “Could we turn off our phones and have some quality time together? I miss you, and I’d love to reconnect. ”
Try to remember that yelling rarely ever helps solve issues. Instead, it will probably make your boyfriend feel bad, and he might get defensive.
You might be feeling irritable about other things in your life, too. Maybe work is really stressful, or you’re struggling to juggle all your responsibilities. If that’s the case, talk to your boyfriend about it and work together to find a solution.
Let’s say your boyfriend has been slacking about doing the dishes. Instead of bringing it up in the moment, which might start a huge fight, make a plan. You might wait for a quiet evening when you’re both relaxed, and then bring up chore delineation and how you feel like you’re doing more than your fair share.
You’ll probably want to talk about relationship issues in private, too. That way, you can both speak freely without being overheard.
You could even make a list of his positive qualities to look back on when you’re feeling mad. For instance, maybe he’s kind, supportive, and always cheers you up when you’re having a bad day.
For instance, instead of saying something like, “You’re always late to everything,” try, “Is there a way we can both work on our time management skills? I know that being punctual is important to both of us, so let’s come up with a few solutions. ”
For example, instead of saying, “You never make time for me,” try, “When you don’t reach out to make plans with me, I feel under-valued. ” Or, instead of saying, “You always leave without telling me where you’re going,” try, “When I can’t get ahold of you for an entire night, I feel worried and anxious. ”
If you don’t quite understand what he’s saying, ask something like, “I don’t think I understand. Could you explain a little more?” Or, try rephrasing his words to make sure you get it. Say something like, “So what you’re saying is…”
