Really think about the deeper issue behind a conflict, as well. On the surface, you might be annoyed because your partner gets fast food several days a week, but deep down, it might be because you’re worried about their health. [4] X Expert Source Allen Wagner, MFT, MAMarriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 6 March 2019. Also, think about what you want the outcome of the conversation to be. Be realistic—if you’re upset because your partner spends their money more frivolously than you, don’t expect them to suddenly start saving every penny they make. However, it’s reasonable to ask them to work with you to create a household budget you can both live with. [5] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
It can sometimes help to go somewhere like a park or a coffee shop when you need to talk, especially if you’ve already argued about the topic before. The change of scenery might help break you out of some of the thinking patterns that you get into when you’re at home. [8] X Research source
Try saying something like, “Thanks for making the time to talk to me. I know you’ve been really busy lately. I just think it’s important for us to figure out how to split up the housework so we’re not getting so overwhelmed by clutter. " [10] X Research source You might also say something like, “I’ve been noticing that we have a hard time talking about where we’re going to live after our lease is up. I know it’s because we both feel anxious about it. Can we spend 10 or 15 minutes narrowing it down a little? I can do some research on my own after that, if it would help. "
For instance, you might say something like, “I feel disrespected when you don’t call to tell me you’ll be late from work. I wonder what you’re doing and worry about whether you’re okay. " Avoid broad generalizations like, “You’re always late,” “You never call,” or “Everyone knows you don’t care. “[13] X Research source You can use the word “you” to describe your partner’s role in the situation, but don’t put the entire burden of responsibility on them. For instance, you could say “When you pick up your phone when I’m talking to you, I feel like I’m not important to you. “[14] X Expert Source Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 15 March 2022. A good formula for I-statements involves sharing how you’re feeling with a specific word, giving a specific example of a situation where you feel that way, and listing a positive need that you’d like to have fulfilled in the future. [15] X Expert Source Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.
Also, avoid tense body language, like crossing your arms, sighing heavily when your partner is talking, rolling your eyes, or avoiding eye contact. [17] X Research source
For instance, if you’re upset because your partner was flirtatious with a friend, you may need to agree on boundaries for your relationship. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s time to bring up other things like how much they drink, how they dress, or how you don’t get to see your friends anymore.
One trick that relationship experts recommend is to repeat back what you hear your partner saying. It can feel a little strange at first, but it can help make sure you really understand what you’re hearing. [22] X Trustworthy Source Understood Nonprofit organization dedicated to resources and support to people with thinking differences, such as ADHD or dyslexia Go to source [23] X Expert Source Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 15 March 2022. For instance, you might say, “So you’re saying that you don’t want the kids to have screen time limits because you want them to learn time-management on their own, right?” This helps your partner know that you’re actually listening to what they’re saying. Plus, if you don’t completely understand what your partner is saying, your statement gives them a chance to clarify things. [24] X Expert Source Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.
If you’ve been bickering a lot about finances, for instance, you might say something like, “I get really insecure about not having enough money because things were so tight for my family when I was a kid. I should have brought this up sooner so we could work through it as a team. " You could also say, “When we were talking before, I gave you an attitude. I knew that I did that and that it wouldn’t go well, but I did it anyway because I was angry. “[27] X Expert Source Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 15 March 2022. Try to take ownership over specific parts in a conflict. [28] X Expert Source Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.
During the break, think about how you can deal with things differently when you come back together.
Try saying something like, “I know you’re concerned that I won’t be home as much if I take night classes. But I’m having to work overtime now just to make ends meet. I’m hoping that if I can get a better job, we’ll eventually have more family time. "
For instance, if it just drives you absolutely crazy that your partner always leaves their socks on the floor, you might agree to put a laundry hamper on their side of the bed—as long as they agree to at least toss the socks in that general direction each night. If you’ve been arguing about how to discipline your children, you might write down a list of rules for the kids, then have set consequences that you both agree on if they break those rules. That way, you’ll both know you’re always on the same page.
