For example, you might say, “Your reports are always impeccable. Unfortunately, they’re always at least a week late, and this jams up other departments. What can I do to help you get them in on time?” If your words push the other person to rise to the occasion and take ownership of the issue directly, you’ve done your job. They’ll be less likely to feel hurt or think you’re targeting them unfairly.
For example, you might say, “I feel overwhelmed and rushed when you give me your report at the last minute. " Compare this to “You never turn in your report on time. " The second statement is more likely to make the person feel attacked and become defensive. Follow your I-statement with what you want to happen in the future. For example, you might say, “I feel overwhelmed and rushed when you give me your report at the last minute. I’d appreciate it if you’d turn it in at least a day earlier so I have time to incorporate your data in the department report. "
For example, you might say, “I was really pleased with how you handled that rude customer. In the future, I’d prefer if you let a manager handle those situations. You’re great at merchandising and I want you to focus on that. "
For example, you might say, “In the future, could you clear the table in the break room when you’re done eating?” This frames it as a request, rather than saying, “You need to stop leaving a mess in the break room after lunch. "
For example, if you have an employee who doesn’t communicate well with the other members of their team, you might say, “In the future, I’d like it if you checked in with each of your team members first thing in the morning. " This is going to go over a lot better than if you say, “you’re not a team player. "
For example, if you like one of the baristas at your regular coffee shop, you might compliment the way he makes your coffee rather than his eyes or his hair. If you like a particular physical characteristic, you can still say so! Just focus your compliment on something the person did that brings out that particular feature. For example, rather than saying someone has pretty eyes (which they were born with and can’t control), you might say, “That shirt you’re wearing really enhances the color of your eyes. "
Think of this in terms of not hurting someone. People carry scars from all sorts of bad experiences, and you never know when you might inadvertently touch on one. When you do, acknowledge that you weren’t aware of their sensitivity, apologize, and move on. Don’t dwell on it or insist that they justify their feelings. For example, suppose you’re a white person who’s used to referring to people of other races as “minorities. " You might meet someone who insists that “minority” is incorrect because people of color are actually a global majority, and it offends them for you to use this term. The correct response is to apologize and ask them which term you should use instead.
For example, if you’re introducing a speaker who’s giving a talk on racial relations in the workplace, you might ask them, “How do you describe your race?” Then, use their answer in your introduction. Confine your questions to information that’s important and relevant to the situation. If you’re in a social setting and you’re curious, it’s probably fine to ask if you keep it light. For example, you might say, “I’m just curious, how do you describe your race?” When asking about gender, simply say, “What are your pronouns?” Don’t use the phrase “preferred pronouns,” which makes it sound like a choice or an option. [12] X Research source
For example, a disabled person is likely to get offended if you praise them for everyday actions such as getting groceries or going to the post office. You wouldn’t praise an able-bodied person for getting their errands done! Save your praise for accomplishments where it’s warranted. Similarly, someone who’s just living their life and doing relatively ordinary things doesn’t need to be told they’re amazing or an “inspiration” because they happen to be living with a disability.
Similarly, it can be offensive to disabled people to call them “wheelchair-bound” or “confined to a wheelchair. " For a disabled person, their mobility aid is liberating and allows them to do things on their own that they’d otherwise need assistance to do.
You run the risk of offending people when you reduce their value to where they stand on a particular issue. But all people are complex and have many different reasons that they think the way they do. This doesn’t mean that you have to agree with them, or even pretend that you do. But you can show respect by listening to them and giving them a chance to explain their point of view.
For example, if the weather’s unpredictable, just say that instead of saying it’s “schizophrenic. " In the same vein, don’t use diagnosed medical conditions as a shorthand for common personality traits. This usage trivializes the condition and can offend people with it. For example, if you’re talking about how you’re very particular about organization, don’t say “I’m so OCD about that. "
Always try to own your apology rather than putting it on the other person. [20] X Expert Source Adina Zinn, MPACertified Career & Life Coach Expert Interview. 30 March 2022. Don’t press them for details or ask them to explain or justify their feelings. The fact that your words hurt them is all you need to know. If they do take the time to explain what you said wrong, thank them. For example, you might say, “Thank you for educating me. " You could also say, “Thank you for helping me become a better human. " You could also say “Your opinions are important to me. I value hearing from you, and I hope that you’ll continue to share that kind of thing with me. “[21] X Expert Source Adina Zinn, MPACertified Career & Life Coach Expert Interview. 30 March 2022.
