An example of a boundary might be, “You cannot tell me how to raise my children. ” The consequence might be, “I won’t let you babysit if you can’t stop criticizing my parenting. ” If you really value your relationship with this person, this is probably the healthiest and most productive way to handle a narcissist. Do not negotiate. Do not argue. Make it clear that your boundaries are non-negotiable.
For example, if you’re at lunch and the narcissist says something like “Oh, that’s not a healthy option” when you order your food, you might snap back, “Are you kidding me? You got a burger and you’re way more out of shape than I am. ” Calling them out in public will really be a disaster for a narcissist. If they feel like they’re being publicly attacked, they’ll either lose their cool and make a fool of themselves, or shy away. Either way, you win.
Do not hesitate to say, “Excuse me, I’m not done talking,” or, “Oh, I’m not done yet,” if they interrupt you. Confronting a narcissist when they cross the line can lead to some volatile reactions, but they need to know you mean business if you’re going to strike some fear into them.
This applies to positive feelings as well; if a narcissist thinks it’s easy to get you to smile, shout for joy, or thank them, they’re going to feel like they’re in the driver’s seat. This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t stand up for yourself or express displeasure at all. Just don’t do it by yelling or spinning out of control.
If a narcissist tries complaining about someone breaking a promise, you might point out how it doesn’t make any sense for that person to just totally change their behavior based on everything you know about them. If a narcissist tells a wild story about how everyone at work is out to get them, you might say, “I feel like most of your coworkers just focus on themselves,” or, “I doubt that your coworkers care enough to try and sabotage you. ”
Sometimes, it’s better to call out these mind games—especially if you’re in public and they’re crossing a line. However, if they’re doing something innocuous or obviously meant to provoke you, it’s often better to ignore them.
This is especially productive when the narcissist in your life thinks they have some kind of power over you when they actually don’t. A bossy coworker or annoying uncle won’t have any recourse.
For example, if they complain about not getting enough attention from you, you might say, “Oh, you really do need love! I’m sorry, I’ll try checking in on you every night before bed,” with a chuckle. If you’re too cruel or pointed, they’ll just use it as an opportunity to play the victim card. A little bit of teasing goes a long way here.
For example, if a narcissist keeps humble-bragging about how everyone wants their money, you might say, “I can always help you budget if you need some help,” or, “I typically don’t have any trouble turning leeches down if you ever need advice. ”
For example, if someone brings a narcissist a gift or does them a favor, you might say, “Oh wow! That’s so nice of you Bryan—that’s an awesome gift. Isn’t that nice of them!”
Pay attention to your body language around a narcissist. Do not lean away from them, fidget, or defer eye contact. Face them directly, make eye contact, and don’t shy away from entering their personal space.
It’s best to directly tell mutual friends and family what you’re up to if this narcissist is obviously out of line. You’re better being indirect if they’re too much of a chameleon to really cross the line in clear and obvious ways.
Keep in mind that this may permanently ruin your relationship with the narcissist. If they’ve abused you or seriously mistreated you though, that may be warranted.
