As tempting as it may be, don’t approach the boyfriend or tell him to stay away. It’s probably not going to work, and it’s a bit of a boundary violation for your daughter. She’ll learn from this in the long run, but only if you let her. There are two exceptions here: is if she’s 11-14 or so and you think she’s too young to date in the first place, or if your daughter is making potentially dangerous decisions. You are her parent, after all.
For example, if your daughter asks you about what you think of her boyfriend, you might say, “I think you can do much better, but I just want what’s best for you. If you’re happy and he treats you with love and respect, I’m okay with it. ” Remember, your daughter is new to dating, so she may make mistakes. That’s okay. Every relationship she has is a learning opportunity. Try not to dole out advice on every single thing you have feelings about when it comes to this guy.
You know that phrase about keeping your friends close and your enemies closer? While you may hate this guy’s guts, encouraging her to bring him around will give you some insight. You can see how your daughter interacts with him so that you can make accurate observations in the future when she asks for them. If you don’t know him that well, maybe he’s not as bad as you’re imagining. Getting to know him may help you feel better about your daughter’s relationship.
You might say, “Hey, how are things going with Danny?” with a smile on your face. If your daughter says, “It’s fine,” just keep smiling and say, “Great!” Over time, your daughter will understand that you only want her to be happy. Don’t pester her if she asks you to stop asking questions or probing for information. Part of being supportive is knowing when to lay off.
You might say things like, “Hey, I really want you to feel supported. If your friends or boyfriend ever make you feel like you can’t come to them for help, they’re not showing you the care you deserve,” and, “Just so you know, nobody should ever be touching you without your consent. ” You could also say, “Do you ever feel scared to tell people about how you feel? You know you shouldn’t feel that way with me, your friends, or your boyfriend right?” Ask your daughter what she sees in her boyfriend, and what she likes about him specifically. Encourage her to think more about what she wants in a boyfriend. Model positive and healthy relationship behaviors in your life! If your daughter sees you checking in on the people you care about, respecting boundaries, and giving people the privacy they deserve, she’ll pick up on all of that.
If your daughter comes home crying because of a fight with this guy, don’t say “I told you he was trash!” Instead, you might say, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard this must be. Do you want to talk about it?”
The better you make her feel about herself, the more empowered she’ll be to end a bad relationship. If you constantly criticize your daughter, she may be going to this awful boyfriend for vindication instead. By making her feel as good about herself as possible, she’ll expect other people to treat her the same way. If this boyfriend has a tendency to put her down, this might be the best way to get her to see that.
There’s another added benefit here that may not be immediately obvious. Your daughter cares what you think! If you keep encouraging her to hang with her friends, she may be inclined to ditch the boy.
For example, instead of saying, “I can’t stand that boy. He’s always cancelling on you at the last minute,” you might say, “Your relationship is so interesting to me. You two are so comfortable cancelling plans. ” You might also ask questions like, “How are the two of you doing?” or, “Are you and your boyfriend doing anything this weekend?”
For example, if you know the boyfriend didn’t really do anything for your daughter’s birthday, you might be tempted to say, “This guy doesn’t care about things that matter to you. ” Instead, you might say, “So, what did you and Danny do for your birthday?” Let your daughter think about it. If her boyfriend tends to put her down a lot, you might say, “I’ve seen the way you two talk to one another. How do you feel when Danny talks about the way you dress?” instead of, “I hate it when Danny makes fun of your outfits. ”
In a counterintuitive kind of way, backing off on the relationship talk will actually empower your daughter. She’ll be more confident about making her own decisions if she feels like they’re totally her own.
Try to remember that even if your daughter is in a messy arrangement, she’s going to come out the other side stronger. Were all of your teenage relationships winners? If not, have a little faith here. Your daughter will grow from this the same way you did when you were young.
Take your daughter to her favorite restaurant, or take a weekend trip together to get out of town for a while. Consider taking your daughter on a little shopping trip, or let her throw a little sleepover for her and her friends.
