“Do you really think it’s safe to drive fast in this weather just to say you got there first?” “Does it seem fair to you that you’re doing less work than me but we’re getting equal credit?” “Are you asking me to help you, or are you telling me?”
Keep eye contact while they talk to you. It shows you’re listening but also makes you appear confident and strong. Try not to cut them off while they’re talking. If it’s necessary to interject, look for an opening to speak and wait for them to meet you halfway.
“That’s nice. ” “Good for you!” “Congrats!” Avoid asking follow-up questions so they’re not encouraged to keep bragging or pulling focus.
“You seem to communicate aggressively. ” “There is no reason to be upset now. ” Separate the person from their behavior with a phrase like “You’re acting like a narcissist. ” Simple “yes” or “no” answers to their questions are effective. Try not to agree or disagree with them with phrases like “I can see that point of view” or “I’ll have to think about that. ”
“Thanks so much for cleaning the kitchen earlier. It looks great! Sometimes it seems like you’re not honest when you say you’ve cleaned something. You’re so thorough when you do. ” “Your quarterly report is so detailed, nice job! Next time, it would be fantastic if you could get it in by the deadline. Thanks for all your hard work!” Sometimes, you’ll need proof to justify your criticism or call out one of their lies. With a coworker, for example, you can point to an empty spreadsheet and say “See, this isn’t done. ”[8] X Research source
“Mom and dad will be really impressed if you stop yelling all the time. ” “I hear the boss really likes it when team members work smoothly together. ” “You’ll be the best speech giver ever if you can brag a little bit less. ”
Use “we” statements to show you’re in this together and include yourself in the behavior. Say, “We got off on the wrong foot” or “We can try this conversation again later. ” Don’t make any statements about yourself unless it’s an apology (it’s the only time a narcissist will care about how you feel). Remember, empathy teaches empathy. Modeling empathetic behavior is a strong way to change how a narcissist acts over time.
“We can definitely look into your idea once we finish this conversation here. ” “That’s a great point! Anyway…” “Yes, I do remember when you were right about the annual report. That’s not what this is about. ”
Don’t take insults from a narcissist personally. They can’t feel good unless you feel bad and their verbal abuse comes from a feeling of deep insecurity. [13] X Research source [14] X Expert Source Jay Reid, LPCCLicensed Professional Clinical Counselor Expert Interview. 7 August 2020. Humor and wit are great tools for breaking the tension with a narcissist. If they can laugh at their own behavior, they’re likely to (temporarily) adjust. [15] X Research source
Protecting your private information is more difficult when you live with a narcissistic partner or family member. Be wary of what you share, and avoid opening up too much beyond what’s necessary. If you feel you might share something you don’t want them to know, don’t say anything and take a break from the conversation. It’s hard for a narcissist to misquote your silence.
Avoid saying “yes” to their requests too often. You’ll never get them on your side by appeasing them and it’ll only draw out your interaction longer. Remember to protect yourself. If you need to get away from them, leave the room until you’re in a headspace where you can interact again.
Repeat statements like “If you want me to do that, here are my terms. It’s up to you whether you accept them or not” when they challenge you. Don’t apologize if you’re not in the wrong. If they’re upset, say something like “I can’t control how you feel about this” or “This has been my stance from the beginning” to avoid blaming them for pushing your boundaries. [20] X Research source If they start to yell or get verbally abusive, leave the room or hang up the phone to reinforce that you will not let them talk that way to you.
