Start with something simple, like “Could you tell me why you decided to keep this debt secret?” Try to stay away from insulting your spouse, because it might lead to them becoming defensive. [3] X Expert Source Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETSClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 3 February 2022. You want to use this conversation to understand your spouse’s motivations. What happened could be as simple as mismatched expectations—some people simply believe that it’s appropriate to not share all their financial information with their spouses. If that’s the case, use this conversation to clarify what information each of you believes needs to be shared with each other, so that you can end up on the same page. [4] X Research source If the reason why your spouse committed financial infidelity is more serious, like a gambling or shopping addiction, you’ll need to address these issues as well. [5] X Expert Source Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETSClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 3 February 2022. Lying to your spouse about these habits are signs of a deeper problem, and seeking out professional help from a counselor is important. [6] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
You can bring this idea up with your spouse by saying something like, “There’s an exercise I want us to try together. I think it’ll be something that’s useful for us to look back on now and then so that we can remind ourselves of what we’re working towards. ” Don’t forget to add to your list some fun items as well. Money conversations shouldn’t always feel serious. This is also a great time to think about some expenses, like a family vacation, that you can look forward to in the near future as well. [9] X Research source
If you’re having trouble bringing this up with your spouse, introduce this conversation with something like, “I want to be able to trust you again with money, but in order to do that, we need to have some way of staying accountable. I want full transparency about money in our relationship. ”
Your policy might be something like needing to get a text message approval from your spouse whenever you want to buy something over $100. To introduce this idea to your spouse, tell them something like, “In the future, it would make me more comfortable if we had a policy to tell each other before we plan on buying anything expensive. ”
If you don’t already have a budget with your spouse, you can bring this idea up with them by saying something like, “I know we’ve been having a difficult road when it comes to finances, but let’s work on a budget together so that we can be on the same page. ”
When you’re facing unexpected debt, remember that typical financial advice still applies. Pay down smaller and high-interest debts first, before moving on to longer-term ones. [16] X Research source Talk about creating a roadmap for dealing with your debt by telling your spouse something like, “We’re in a mess now, but we need to find our way out of it. Lets sit down and come up with a plan. ”
Ask your spouse to answer some questions about themselves, and do the same for yourself. Start with questions like: “Are you a spender or a saver?” or “How much of a security net do you need to feel comfortable?” This kind of conversation should happen when both you and your spouse are feeling calm and open, so that you can both give each other room to answer honestly. When you feel ready to have this talk, bring it up to your spouse with something like, “I think we should take some time to really understand how each of us thinks about money. It’s an important part of our relationship, so we should talk about it. ”
These conversations can often feel daunting, so it can be helpful to schedule something fun to do afterwards. Sit down together to watch an episode of your favorite TV show or go out for dinner after you make it through your regular money conversation. In order to start scheduling a regular time to meet about money with your spouse, tell them something like, “We need to start being on the same page about money in our relationship, and a lot of people recommend having a regular meeting to talk about this topic. How about we start setting aside time every other Thursday night to go through our finances?”
It’s OK to tell your spouse that you think you need another person to help you navigate these issues. [21] X Expert Source Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETSClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 3 February 2022. Many cases of financial infidelity start when one spouse doesn’t think the other spouse knows how to figure out what’s going on with the finances. [22] X Research source To bring up this idea, tell your spouse something like, “There are a lot of details here, and I think it would be best to get a professional involved. I’m going to be making an appointment with a financial advisor, and it’s important that you join me. ”
It can feel intimidating to bring up counseling with your spouse, but if you feel like your relationship needs it, don’t be afraid. Tell your spouse something like, “I don’t think this is something we can fix without any help. I want you to come to a counseling session with me so that we can work through what happened. ”
Passwords to bank or credit card accounts changed without your knowledge A credit card statement from an account you didn’t know about Defensiveness and anger from your spouse when you bring up money topics
For example, you might want to tell your spouse something like, “I want to be clear with you that if this happens again, marriage counseling is non-negotiable. ” 10% of marriages end solely because of financial infidelity, and a far larger portion of divorces include these issues as well. [26] X Research source If your spouse’s financial infidelity is part of a larger pattern of abuse, and they turn aggressive and angry at you when you address their mistakes, it may be time to consider ending your relationship.
