Withdraw when you try to get close to them Accuse you of being needy Prefer fleeting relationships to intimate ones Are uncomfortable expressing emotions Believe things like, “I don’t need anyone but myself. ”
“I know that your personal independence is important to you, and I won’t put too much pressure on you to make a commitment to me. ” “I realize that you need your personal space, and I just want to say that I’m here for you when you want to spend more time together. ” “I know this relationship can feel stressful for you. I get how you feel, but I still care for you and am happy you’re in my life. ”
When your partner is taking some space for themselves, do your best not to text or call them too frequently. This can make them feel stifled. Your partner might also appreciate you giving them the opportunity to take some space. Tell them something like, “I love spending time with you, and would love to keep hanging out. But if you want to go back home, I understand. ”
“I know you like your alone time, but it means a lot to me that you came today. ” “Thanks for joining me for dinner. It makes me really happy to spend time with you. ” “I’m grateful that you opened up to me. It’s really important to me that you feel comfortable doing this. ”
Listening to your partner when they feel stressed or anxious, and affirming that you care about them. Reliably helping your partner out with tasks like transportation, home maintenance, or daily errands. Noticing when your partner is struggling with something at work or school, and following through when offering them help.
“What does friendship mean to you?” “What is your most treasured memory?” “What is your most terrible memory?” “When did you last cry?” “If your house was to burn down, and everyone who had been inside was safe, what would be the one thing you would rescue from the fire?”
Instead of saying, “You’re selfish,” say, “I feel like my needs sometimes aren’t being met. ” Instead of saying, “You don’t care about me,” say, “I feel like I want to be a higher priority in your life. ” Instead of saying, “You treat me terribly,” say, “I feel hurt and sad when you cancel plans at the last minute. ”
“I know that you don’t want to spend time together every day. How about if we meet twice a week instead?” “I realize that it’s tough for you to open up with me about your stress. Why don’t we spend time doing something that you enjoy, and then we talk about what’s on your mind this evening?” “I know that you love taking trips by yourself on the weekends. Why don’t we spend every other weekend together, so that you can still have some time to yourself?”
“I know that you need space, but calling me clingy or needy hurts me. I need you to speak to me with more respect. ” “When you cancel plans, it’s important to me that you tell me at least 3 hours in advance unless it’s an emergency. I need you to respect my time. ” “When you decide to go out of contact, please let me know that you’re taking time for yourself. I won’t pressure you to respond immediately, but I don’t like worrying about you. ”
Having independent interests doesn’t mean you have to do them alone. If you have a network of friends or family, you can spend time developing these relationships, rather than rely solely on your partner for your needs.
You should know that they are not able to understand emotions well. By taking on an avoidant attachment style, they try to minimize their emotions and the emotions of others. They may have learned this style from their parents. Although not being able to rely on your avoidant partner to support you emotionally can be really difficult, remember that there are other resources available to you until your partner feels more secure. If you’re feeling anxious about your relationship, try talking to a friend that you can trust. They might be able to give you an outside perspective on your relationship dynamics. Talking to a therapist can be a great way to feel more confident in the relationship. If you feel like you have an anxious attachment style, a therapist can help you navigate these feelings before you confront your partner.
If therapy isn’t an option, try suggesting that your partner read more about their attachment style. This kind of self-knowledge can help them overcome their avoidant tendencies.
