Try to pick a quiet, stress-free time to talk with your roommate. An evening when you two are relaxing together is probably fine, but if your roommate is stressed or busy, save it until later.
Try using “I” language to bring the focus back on yourself. For instance, you might say, “When the house is noisy at night, I feel stressed because I can’t sleep. ” “When the kitchen is dirty for days on end, I get frustrated because I have no room to cook. ”
If your roommate gets defensive or angry, try saying something like, “I understand you’re upset, but I’d really like us to make some changes so that I feel comfortable here. ” Or, “Thanks for sharing your perspective. I’d still love it if we could talk about potential solutions, though. ”
“Maybe instead of throwing parties every weekend, we could limit them to once a month. Does that sound fair?” “It might be helpful if we made a chore chart to track everything that gets done around the house. What do you think about that?” “It’s fine if you borrow my stuff, but I’d appreciate it if you asked first. Could you check in with me before you use anything of mine?”
If you make a mess, you clean it up. Don’t give copies of the house key to anyone who doesn’t live here. If you want to eat the other person’s food, ask first. If you’re going to be home late, try to be quiet when you come in.
Talk about who wants to do which chores, too. If you hate mopping the floors but your roommate doesn’t mind it, maybe they could mop while you clean the bathtub. If your roommate is hesitant, remind them that a cleaning chart benefits them, too. “I know a cleaning schedule seems a little juvenile, but that way, we’ll remember whose turn it is to do the dishes instead of arguing about it. ”
“It’s fine to invite your friends over, but I’d appreciate it if you kept it down when I’m trying to sleep. ” “I’m sure it’s nice having your boyfriend here, but maybe you two could spend time at his house for a couple days a week?”
“During the week, could we try to keep things quiet by 11 PM?” “Maybe we could try to hang out in our rooms by midnight on weeknights. That way, we can both get some sleep. ”
Having a roommate agreement also prevents any deniability later on. Your roommate can’t say “We never agreed to that,” if there’s a sheet of paper in the living room that says otherwise.
“Just checking in about the cleaning schedule. I know you’ve had a busy week, but would you be able to do the dishes soon since it’s your turn?” “I noticed that you borrowed my hair dryer this morning. In the future, could you ask me first, like we talked about?” “How are you feeling about the ‘no visitors on weeknights’ rule? Is it still working for you?”
Remember that roommates are temporary! You won’t be stuck in this situation forever.
