This often is simply a matter of waiting it out. There are ways to speed the process up for sure, but time really does heal all wounds. Your sample size for new partners may not be big enough to prove you have an issue here as well. If you’re having trouble getting over a relationship, you may not have figured out all the lessons and blessings that came from it yet. [2] X Expert Source Sarah Schewitz, PsyDLicensed Psychologist Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
If your ex is out of sight, they’ll be out of mind. This can give you the space you need to heal emotionally and get your dating legs back under you. Once you’ve gotten to the point where you’re no longer comparing people to your ex, you can go back to interacting with them if that’s what you want. This is especially helpful if you and your ex have an on-again-off-again relationship. [4] X Expert Source Sarah Schewitz, PsyDLicensed Psychologist Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
If dating new people is stressing you out, it’s just going to make you think about your ex even more. This can create a kind of negative feedback loop. It’s okay to be single! For some people, dating as much as possible is the right way to go. This is great if you just need a distraction, but if you’re comparing dates to your ex then that kind of distraction isn’t really working.
Start with all of the stuff that you really hated about their personality. Were they kind of rude sometimes? Did they ever say insensitive things? Were they not as educated as you would have liked? Don’t forget about physical stuff. Did they have awful morning breath? Did you hate their sense of style? Were they a sloppy eater? Those pet peeves can bring him down a peg in your head.
Fill your calendar up! Take a new class, go out to a new restaurant with friends, or catch some live music. Pouring energy into things that will help you achieve future goals can keep you focused on the road ahead, not the path behind you.
You may be comparing everyone to your ex because you feel like you’re missing out. If you keep the positive things in mind, you might not have this sensation like there’s something missing.
If you aren’t comfortable throwing meaningful gifts out, put them in a shoebox and stuff it under your bed for the future. Alternatively, you can ask a friend to store it for you. You can return to the shoebox when you’ve fully moved on and you can handle it.
Love can absolutely be a choice. If you make an active decision to pursue something with someone, it’s you in control—not destiny. If you believe that relationships can be built through effort, mutual respect, and compromise, doesn’t that mean that relationships aren’t just “meant to be?” You’ve got to choose to maintain it, right?
One way to do this is to choose date activities that are more fun than the often-stressful dinner date or coffee convo. Go bowling, shoot some pool, or invite your date to go ice skating. Pick fun things to do. You’ll be so distracted with the activity that you’ll forget to compare your ex to this new person.
Try to remember that each date you go on is its own little journey. By isolating each date and treating them like one-time events, you’ll be less inclined to compare them to other dates.
Don’t settle! If you decide to lock yourself into a new committed relationship early on when you’re getting back out there, you may find your ex creeping back into your mind if your new partner isn’t the best match.
Don’t feel bad about getting help. A bad breakup is a perfectly normal and common reason for seeking therapy.
