It’s best to avoid making assumptions when it comes to setting boundaries. You might think that your mother-in-law should know how you feel without being told, but different people have different boundaries.
It can be a little difficult talking to your partner about their mother, so make sure they know you’re coming from a place of love. You might say something like, “You know I love your mom, but she can be a little overbearing at times. I’d love if we could work together to set some boundaries so we all feel comfortable. ”
Try taking your mother-in-law out to dinner or inviting her over for coffee or tea.
You can ask your spouse to do this by saying something like, “When we talk with her, would you mind taking the lead? I don’t want her to feel like I’m attacking her. ”
You might say, “I really appreciate you taking care of little Ryan, but he needs to keep up with his nap schedule. When he doesn’t take his afternoon nap, he’s cranky all evening, and I have a tough time getting him to bed. ” Or, “We love when you come over to help out with the baby, but we need you to call before you start heading over. That way, we can make sure the house is ready, and you won’t have to sit around doing nothing if we’re busy. ” Using I-statements and emphasizing your point of view might help your mother-in-law avoid getting defensive or upset.
“It’s really helpful when you go and get Timmy a bottle, but it’s not very helpful when you talk to me about how often he eats. His doctor says he’s in a good weight range, and I only feed him when he’s hungry. ” “I love when you come over to help out with the baby, but we just can’t have you coming over unannounced. Maybe we could set up a specific visiting schedule so we’re all on the same page. ”
For instance, you might say, “Remember last week when you told me I was coddling her too much? It wasn’t a very helpful comment, and it didn’t really add much to the conversation. ”
“We really appreciate you taking Debbie in the afternoons so that we can rest. It’s been a huge help. ” “This isn’t to say we don’t appreciate you, because we do! We couldn’t have done all this without you. ”
“I love it when you drop off a casserole or some breakfast for us. It’s saved us more than once!” “Thank you so much for always being willing to babysit. We really need the rest, and we couldn’t get that without you. ”
Your partner could say something like, “Mom, I really appreciate you having a conversation with us the other day. You were very thoughtful, and I want you to know you’re still welcome over to help out with the baby. ”
For instance, if she keeps feeding your baby juice but you don’t want them to have all that sugar, it’s probably worth talking to her about. But if you like to let your baby fall asleep in the crib and she wants to cuddle them to sleep, you might want to let that one go.
