Think about the conversations and actions that caused your defense mechanisms to kick in. Did he do something to upset you, or say something you didn’t like? At what point did you start to distance yourself? Knowing which triggers make you push your partner away will also tell you why you’re pushing him away. For example, maybe bad memories of an old relationship are causing you to be distant, or maybe you don’t like conflict. Be honest with yourself as you figure out what bothers you.
If you find yourself working or distracted most of the time, you may have to prioritize spending time with him to keep the relationship going. It’s okay if you think the situation over and decide that you don’t want to be with your boyfriend. If he’s not the right one for you, it’s better to know that now.
If you consistently express disappointment in your boyfriend or criticize him, it will cause him to feel inadequate—and he’ll likely think you’re pushing him away. [5] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source When you have a genuine issue, you should tell him! Try to make requests rather than complaints. For example, “Quit being lazy! You never wash the dishes,” could turn into, “I’ve been washing the dishes a lot. Could we work out a schedule so that we’re splitting the work more evenly?”
Trust issues are common, especially if a past partner has betrayed you somehow. You can’t turn on the ability to trust overnight. However, if your boyfriend has never given you a reason to doubt him, then make an effort to trust and rely on him more as the relationship continues.
A good apology recognizes what you did wrong, how it made the other person feel, and what you should have done differently. Once you have fully apologized for a mistake, there is nothing else to do but forgive yourself and move on. When your boyfriend makes a mistake and hurts you, decide if forgiveness is something you’re ready to give. If the answer is “yes,” then forgive him so that you can put the problem behind you for good.
For example, you could say, “I’ve been afraid of having a partner disagree with me, but I’m working on being honest when something is bothering me now. ” Another example could be, “Things ended badly with my ex, and it’s made me wary of getting close to people. I’m going to start communicating more and fight the urge to push you away when we’re being vulnerable with one another. ” If a conversation triggers an emotional response from you, you can tell him. “This conversation is bringing up bad memories, and I feel anxious. ”
Similarly, if you have a problem, it’s better to speak up than pretend that everything is okay. Avoidance won’t solve the problem; instead, it will build until it becomes unbearable. Disagreements between you and your boyfriend are nothing to be afraid of because you can have conflicting perspectives while still showing one another respect and love.
Your needs matter too. If you feel like you don’t have enough quality time with him, tell him. Work out a compromise so that you’re both happy with the boundaries you set.
Make sure your boyfriend knows your boundaries, too. He shouldn’t push you for more than you’re willing to give. Start small and build from there. For example, if you want to be more open with him, start by sharing little details about your day before gradually bringing up more sensitive or complicated topics. Be kind to yourself and remember that acknowledging the problem is a big step in itself.
Accept that your relationship isn’t going to change overnight—and that taking all the time you need to rebuild trust and closeness with one another is a good thing. [15] X Expert Source Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFPClinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.
Consider couple’s therapy for you and your boyfriend, too. A therapist can coach you through closing the emotional distance between you and being more open with one another.
