You are not defined by this bad thing you’ve done. You can stop it from being part of your life moving forward. Please note: If you hit your boyfriend out of self-defense and only to protect yourself, you have no reason to feel guilt or shame in the first place. [3] X Expert Source Catherine Boswell, PhDLicensed Psychologist Expert Interview. 29 December 2020. Focus on your own wellbeing and staying safe. Consider contacting a crisis line like the National Domestic Violence Hotline: https://www. thehotline. org/
Common triggers for IPV include: Alcohol or drug use. Arguments over issues like money or childcare. Your boyfriend’s refusal to talk or engage with you. Stressors that have little to do with your boyfriend. Violence (physical or non-physical) by your boyfriend. Common motivations for IPV include: Releasing bottled-up, negative emotions (like anger). [5] X Expert Source Catherine Boswell, PhDLicensed Psychologist Expert Interview. 29 December 2020. Exerting control over your boyfriend. Expressing jealousy. Proving you shouldn’t be messed around with (a “tough guise”). Defending yourself against his IPV.
Breathe slowly and deeply from your diaphragm, so that you can feel each breath coming from deep down in your abdomen. Repeat a calming word like “relax” or “peace” to yourself. Visualize a calming memory, like helping your grandma bake cookies, or a calming image, like an isolated and pristine beach. Relax your muscles section-by-section, imagining your anger releasing along with your muscle tension. Engage in vigorous physical activity (like running or shadow boxing) to release pent-up anger. Make lifestyle changes to ensure you’re getting enough sleep, eating healthy diet, and exercising regularly. Keep an anger journal to track your feelings, triggers, and management efforts. Attend an anger management program with a trained instructor.
If your boyfriend is angry too and says something like, “Don’t walk away from me,” respond as plainly and calmly as you can: “I need a minute to cool down. I’ll come back when I can think and act calmly. ”
You might need to cut back on your work schedule, reduce your social commitments, stop trying to be the “world’s most involved parent,” ask for help from friends and family, or end a toxic friendship.
Let him know that you realize your use of violence is wrong and not justifiable in any way, and that you are truly dedicated to making sure it doesn’t happen again. For example: “John, I apologize for slapping you last night. I know I said it wouldn’t happen anymore and I’m so sorry that I hit you again. I really do want it to stop and am going to start counseling. I hope that you can forgive me but also accept that you have every right to leave. ” Especially since this isn’t a one-time episode, your boyfriend may not accept your apology and choose to end the relationship. Respect this choice, even if you wish it wasn’t so, and focus on your plan for self-improvement for your next relationship.
Here’s one way you might be able to encourage him to share: “I’m going to try to explain how I feel when I start hitting you. Then, if you’re okay with sharing, I’d really like to hear how you feel when this happens. ” You might discover that he feels scared, angry, confused, ashamed, disrespected, or a combination of emotions all at once.
Women who use IPV against male partners frequently cite poor communication as a trigger, and “making him have to respond to me” (or something similar) as a motive. This can occur in any type of intimate partner relationship, though. [13] X Research source
Dealing with past trauma, which might include your own experience as a victim of IPV. Working to control your anger if you’re struggling to make this change on your own. Improving your coping skills so you can handle stressors and disappointments better. Improving your problem-solving skills so smaller issues don’t balloon into big ones. Increasing communication and trust in your relationship, perhaps by attending couples therapy sessions with your boyfriend.
If your boyfriend chooses to break up with you or even contacts the authorities after you hit him, that’s absolutely his right and you should accept the consequences of your actions. But he has no right to inflict violence on you because you “deserve” it for your own actions. Two wrongs do not make a right.
