If they accuse you of not caring about them, you might say, “I care deeply about you. If you can’t see that, it’s not on me,” or, “I do care about you. I’m sorry you feel that way. ” If a narcissistic coworker accuses you of not doing your job, you might reply, “I just don’t see it that way,” or, “I’m doing my work. I’d focus on what you’re doing. ” If a family member accuses you of never calling, you might say, “I called you last week. You didn’t pick up. I wouldn’t read too much into it,” or, “I don’t keep count of how often I call people. I recall talking to you last month, though. You can always call me, you know. ”
“I’m sorry we don’t see things the same way. ” “It’s unfortunate you feel that way. ” “This isn’t really up for discussion. I’m not going to argue with you. ” “Well, everyone is entitled to their opinions. ” “You can feel that way if you’d like, but keep it to yourself. ”
If a friend has neglected you and you bring it up, they might say, “Well, I just act like I don’t care about you because you don’t care about me. ” You might reply, “We can talk about that later, but let’s stay on topic. You have to stop putting me down. ” If a coworker lashes out and accuses you of being bad at your job when you ask them why they haven’t prepared a report you need, you might reply, “You can think that all you’d like. That’s fine. It still has nothing to do with the report I need. ” The more entangled in a debate you get, the more you’re actually feeding the narcissist. [5] X Expert Source Vernita Marsh, PhDLicensed Clinical Psychologist, Consultant, & Speaker Expert Interview. 7 April 2022.
Try talking in a really detached tone of voice to show that you’re not involving yourself in the fight. [8] X Expert Source Vernita Marsh, PhDLicensed Clinical Psychologist, Consultant, & Speaker Expert Interview. 7 April 2022. Remember, you are never required to put up with someone trying to provoke you. You have no obligation to engage. It can be difficult to stay calm, but it’s better to leave than lash out in response. If this is taking place in private, just don’t let it get to you. If this is taking place in public, you may be tempted to fight fire with fire. If you keep it cool though, the narcissist will just end up showing everyone how ridiculous they are.
“I am not going to tolerate your accusations that I don’t care about you. You know I do. If you continue to complain about how cold of a person I am, I just won’t hang out with you. ” “It is inappropriate to continually comment on my work. You have your job, and I have mine. If you keep criticizing me in public meetings, I’m going to reach out to HR. ” “I’m not interested in keeping track of who reaches out to who and when. If you keep complaining about how rarely I call you, I’m just not going to call you at all. ”
You can always soften up in the future and revisit your relationship with the narcissist if they get the message. It’s much harder to take a strong stand if they don’t think you’re capable of it, though.
For example, when a narcissist does something egregious, they might say “Oh, I didn’t do this. I think you’re looking at it all wrong. " Then, they’ll try to make the situation about you instead. [12] X Expert Source Vernita Marsh, PhDLicensed Clinical Psychologist, Consultant, & Speaker Expert Interview. 7 April 2022. While it isn’t always a good idea to respond to narcissistic accusations with a long list of facts, it can absolutely help to remind yourself of the objective series of events here. If you’re accused of not caring for someone, you might list all of the things you’ve done in the past year to show you care.
It is important to note that this is not a good long-term solution if you plan on keeping this person in your life. It’s completely fine to do this periodically, but if you break away too often they’ll get the feeling that you shy away from conflict. [14] X Research source
You might pull a close friend aside and ask, “Hey, James won’t stop putting me down. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the next time we go out, I might say something. I just wanted to give you a heads up. ” If you have an accusatory family member, you might reach out to a calmer, more level-headed member of the family and ask for some support at the next family dinner. If you have a good friend at work, you might ask them to help you stand up to an obnoxious coworker who keeps butting into your work.
For an overly-critical friend, you might reply, “I do care about you, and I’m sorry you feel that way. You’re a good friend. I’ll try to be better. ” With an accusatory mother, you could reply to claims that you never call by saying, “You’re right. You’re so connected and available, and I’ve just been really busy. I’ll call more often. ” For a coworker who accuses you of dropping the ball, you could say, “I know I mess up sometimes. I can’t always be on top of it the same way you are. I’m doing my best. ”
If you have a difficult friend, there’s nothing wrong with not calling them the next time you and a few other pals go out for dinner. If family parties are rough because of a narcissist, feel free to skip a Thanksgiving or two if you don’t want to put up with it. If you deal with a narcissist at work, do things you enjoy in your off-time and don’t think too hard about the nasty coworker.
