“I see what you’re saying, but I don’t think of myself the same way you seem to. ” “I’d prefer not to argue with you. ” “I think we simply have a difference of opinion here. ” It’s also appropriate to simply leave the room if a narcissist is abusing you verbally. If they’re physically threatening you, please escape the situation as safely and quickly as you can.
Instead of saying, “You’re a narcissist,” say, “I feel like you aren’t currently taking my feelings into account. ” Instead of saying, “You’re selfish,” say, “I think it would be helpful if you could try to explain how you think I might be feeling. ” Instead of saying, “You’re abusive,” say, “I feel really frightened by your behavior right now. I’d like to hear what you have to say, but could we have a calmer conversation?”
If a narcissist won’t let you get any words in, say something like, “I’ve heard what you’ve had to say. Would you mind if I expressed myself now?” If a narcissist won’t stop complaining about you, say, “I see where you’re coming from. I’d like to say a few things now. ” If a narcissist calls you demeaning names, say, “I understand that this is how you see me. Could you give me a few moments to share how I see things?”
“I don’t think now is the right time to talk about the past. I’d like to focus on your anger about the current situation. ” “I’m open to talking about past problems in our relationship later. For right now, I just want to be clear that I don’t find name-calling acceptable. ” “I understand that you may be feeling frustrated about some unresolved issues between us. Let’s work on those after we’ve found a way to have a calmer discussion. ”
“I have some other things to do now, but I’ll think about what you’ve said. If you’d like to talk more about this, you can call me tomorrow evening. ” “I think that this conversation could be more productive if we took a break for an hour. Let’s watch some TV, and we can see how we’re feeling then. ” “I hear what you’re saying. I need some time to process it, and then we can try revisiting this later. ”
“I appreciate that you’re concerned for my safety when I don’t immediately message back. Even so, you need to respect my right to space without screaming at me. ” “I know you’ve had a tough childhood, and it’s not your fault that you have a hard time trusting people. Be that as it may, following me to work is completely inappropriate behavior. ” “I realize you tried your best as a parent raising me. But telling other people that I’m a terrible daughter is not okay. ”
“When you call me derogatory names, it makes me feel like I have no value. ” “When you give me the silent treatment, I feel panicked and scared. ” “When you throw things, I feel extremely unsafe. ”
When spending time with your friends and family, you don’t necessarily need to vent about your relationship to the narcissist. You can certainly do this, if you’d like to, but even just having a good conversation with someone you value can really help you manage your feelings.
If the narcissist in your life is a parent or someone with whom it might be difficult to completely divest yourself from, try claiming some distance for yourself. This could mean seeing them less regularly or letting them know that you’re only willing to talk about urgent matters. If you’re leaving a relationship with a narcissistic friend or partner and have a history of being abused by them, it’s okay to simply send them a message saying, “I’ve decided that it would be in both of our best interests to no longer continue this relationship. ” Ghosting is also okay if your safety is at risk.
Ask yourself questions like: What kind of person did the narcissist believe I was? Judging from my other relationships, is that true? There are also workshops available to help survivors of narcissistic abuse recover. Consider joining a session to connect with other people who have experienced similar relationships.
