How would you label what you’re feeling? Try to say it outloud. For instance, “I feel really upset/sad/angry about what he said. ”[2] X Research source Don’t judge your feelings or worry about whether your feelings are “right” or “wrong”—just acknowledge that they’re there, for now. [3] X Research source If you’ve been pushing your feelings down for a long time, don’t be surprised if you find them coming to the surface when you start trying to get to the root of your resentment. Be compassionate with yourself throughout the process!
When did these feelings of resentment start? Was there one event or several that caused you to feel this way? Are your feelings directed at one person, like your partner, or to several people, like your parents or family? If you find yourself resenting your partner because they never help with the dishes, the deeper issue might be that you feel overwhelmed and unappreciated. [5] X Research source Sometimes the other person might have inadvertently triggered an insecurity or a complex that you already had. [6] X Expert Source Allison Broennimann, PhDClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 11 December 2020. If you feel resentment towards your friend because of their great family, maybe you’re struggling because your relationship with your parents is difficult.
If you feel like you should have spoken up for yourself in the moment, practice how you can do that next time the person oversteps their bounds. If your resentful feelings are based on envy, work on coming to terms with what you feel is lacking in your life, and try to be happy for others instead of being jealous. [8] X Research source
Try to distract yourself by getting involved in an activity when you notice those thoughts come up—try calling a friend, going for a walk, or working on a difficult puzzle.
As you’re writing, it can help to try to imagine the situation from the other person’s perspective, as well—do you think they intended to hurt you, or do you think they’re just insensitive? Or maybe you’ll discover that they’re not to blame at all, but something from your past is causing you to resent them anyway. [11] X Research source
For instance, you might realize while you’re talking that you need to be more assertive in telling your partner your needs, or your friend might be able to help you brainstorm a solution for how to improve your career so you stop resenting your sister’s success.
Exercise: walk, run, go for a hike, or play a sport you enjoy Physical relaxation: intentional breathing, yoga, or progressive relaxation Prayer or meditation Social activism (especially if your resentment is on a broader scale)
If your partner is spending more time with their friends than with you, you might say, “I feel lonely and I miss feeling like a priority. I’d really like to set aside one night a week that’s just for us. " You might also need to work on speaking more assertively when someone isn’t respecting your boundaries, like if your boss is undermining you at work. [15] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source If the person starts treating you better after the conversation, you’ll probably be able to let go of some of your resentment. If they don’t, it may be a sign that you’d be better off keeping your distance from them in the future.
Instead of being disappointed that your partner didn’t buy you a gift for your anniversary, remind yourself of other ways they show you that they care. For instance, maybe they always make sure your laundry is ready for work, or maybe they’re always there when you need someone to talk to. It may also help to tell the person directly what you’d like, but be patient—it can take time for someone to change, if it happens at all.
Do something symbolic to mark the act of forgiveness, like writing the person a letter and tearing it up. You might also look at the person and think or say, “I forgive you. " Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to keep the other person in your life—it’s okay to let toxic relationships go if the other person isn’t willing to change.
