Spending time with someone when you’d rather withdraw Confessing a weakness about yourself Asking someone else for help
You might try saying something like, “I really value my relationship with you, but having some personal space is also really important to me. What can I do to make you feel cared for?” When you’re in a conflict with someone, instead of immediately withdrawing, say something like, “I think I need a break from this conversation, but I promise that we can continue it this evening. ” If showing vulnerability is difficult for you, say something like, “It’s tough for me to open up on my own. But if you ask me questions, I’m happy to answer them. ”
Instead of saying, “You’re needy,” say, “I really appreciate that you care for me. I feel the same way, but in order to feel comfortable, I also feel like I need space. ” Instead of saying, “You’re too demanding,” say, “I find it hard to open up to others. I know you’re a kind and trustworthy person, and I’ll do my best to open up more. ” Instead of saying, “You’re too clingy,” say, “I know you want to talk more often. I feel stressed sometimes when there’s pressure to respond immediately, but I promise I’ll get back to you within a few hours. ”
“Is it a fact that someone is being too needy, or is it just a thought?” “Does my past bad relationship mean this one is also bound to be bad?” “Am I being too harsh about this person based on a single event?” “Does spending more time with this person really mean that I’m not self-reliant?” “Am I assuming this is just the way I am, and that I can’t change?”
When journaling, ask yourself prompts like, “How did I express myself to other people today?” or “Do I have any fears about my relationships right now? Why?” Be sure to go back and read earlier journal entries every week or so. You might be surprised by your progress.
“How might my partner feel about my behavior?” “What needs does my partner have, and how can I best meet them?” “Are my needs really so different than my partner’s? Where is the common ground?”
Be conscious of your body language in your relationships. Try to sit or stand face-to-face with the people in your life and make eye contact. Offer people in your life compliments and verbal indications that you appreciate them. If you and the other people in your life feel comfortable with it, casually touch them by making non-sexual physical contact or offering them a hug. Patting someone on the back and holding hands are other good forms of non-verbal affection.
Comfort with expressing feelings, hopes, and needs Being willing to rely on others for support and have others rely on them An ability to communicate openly, respectfully, and clearly when experiencing conflict A sense of appreciation for their own self-worth
What roles do love and affection play in your life? What is something you like about your partner that you wouldn’t tell someone you just met? Can you remember a moment in your life that was really embarrassing? Talk about a personal problem with your partner and ask them for advice. Then, ask them to tell you how you seem to be feeling about that problem.
If partner yoga isn’t something you’d like to try, opt for another kind of partnership-based physical activity, like rock-climbing or even a brisk jog together.
If therapy isn’t an option, try directing yourself through a self-help workbook for people with avoidant attachment styles.
