“I noticed we’ve been falling behind on chores a bit lately. Could we talk about a chore chart again?” “We seem to be having some communication issues. How could we work on those together?”
Staying calm in the face of his anger can be difficult, but keep reminding yourself that you’ll have a much more productive conversation if you can avoid blowing up at him. Feel free to excuse yourself if you need to. Sometimes, saying, “I just need 5 minutes. I’ll be right back,” can give you a few minutes to yourself to regroup. It’s always important to approach your conversation with a clear mind, especially if your husband doesn’t speak to you with any empathy.
Your husband leaving crumbs on the couch? Probably not worth fighting over. Your husband calling you names and making you feel belittled? Definitely worth bringing up. Your husband forgets to take out the trash? If it’s a one-time thing, you can let it go. Your husband constantly blaming you for things you didn’t do? Worth talking to him about. Although narcissists often act like they’re superior, they often have a profound sense of worthlessness that’s easily set off.
“You’ve been working so hard at your job lately, I’m so proud of you. I know you must be tired when you come home, but would you mind putting your dirty clothes in the hamper instead of on the floor? I know you want to make things easier on me because you’re such a good husband, and this would help me out a lot. ”
Using humor is another good way to shut down mean comments. Try saying something like, “Wow, that was a good insult. Did that take you a while to come up with?” to stop him in his tracks.
It can be hard to move on without an apology, especially when you deserve one. Try to remember that your husband most likely knows he should apologize, but his disorder makes it impossible for him to do so. Sometimes, narcissists will give you gifts or make gestures instead of saying “I’m sorry. ” If your husband buys you dinner or gives you a bouquet of flowers after a big fight, take that as his way of apologizing.
“Oh, did I tell you I got that promotion at work? Yeah, we’ll see if I can handle it. Anyway, how was your day?” If you do want to gush about something really cool that happened to you, try calling up a friend or family member instead.
“If you keep yelling at me, I’m going to walk away. I won’t listen to you when you’re like this. ” “Please don’t criticize me in public, it makes me feel uncomfortable. If you keep doing that, I won’t go out on dates with you anymore. ” “I don’t want to fight with you in front of the kids. This can wait until later. ”
If your husband says something like, “You can’t do anything right,” think to yourself, “My friends know that I’m a strong, capable person. ” If your husband tells you, “You’re so boring,” you might think, “I have fun hobbies that I enjoy, and other people like hearing about them. ”
Try to bond with people who love you and want the best for you. If you can be your authentic self around them, you can come back to your husband feeling refreshed and ready to handle his behavior. Over time, people might get frustrated hearing about your husband’s behavior, and they could advise you to leave him. If divorce isn’t something you’re considering, you may have to keep your complaints about the relationship to yourself.
People with NPD are often resistant to trying therapy. It may take some time before you convince him to go. You could also suggest trying couple’s counseling. If you go together, he may be more inclined to follow through.
