Remind yourself that their behavior is about them, not you. When someone acts emotionally unavailable, it’s typically a defense mechanism to help them deal with uncomfortable feelings. [2] X Research source
For instance, “When you refuse to make eye contact with me, I feel sad and frustrated. I feel like I don’t matter to you. ”[4] X Research source Avoid making statements that attack your partner as a person or make it seem like they’re at fault for your own reactions. For example, don’t say things like, “You always act so cold! You’re driving me crazy!”
For instance, say something like, “I know that sometimes I lash out when I feel criticized. But I want you to be able to open up to me when something’s bothering you, so I’m going to work on being better about that. ” This can be extremely tough to do. You’re probably feeling very hurt by your partner’s behavior, which is totally understandable! But being empathetic and owning your part in things is a huge step towards helping your partner feel more secure and less defensive.
For example, you could try saying, “Next time you’re angry with me, could you please tell me how you’re feeling and what’s bothering you?” Or, “I know you’re upset, but it would mean a lot to me if you would look at me or acknowledge me verbally when I talk to you. ”[7] X Research source
For instance, say something like, “Sometimes when you’re stressed, I’ve noticed that you kind of check out and don’t want to talk. What’s the best way for me to talk to you when that happens?” Make an effort to really listen and understand your partner’s response. [9] X Research source You could even try rephrasing what they say in your own words. For instance, “Okay, it sounds like you get quiet because you’re worried about losing your temper and yelling, and you just need a few minutes to yourself to calm down. Is that right?”
For example, you might say something like, “Okay, if you’re not willing to talk to me, I’m going to go out for a while. It’s too difficult for me to be around you when you’re acting like this. ”
Whenever your partner opens up to you or behaves in responsive way, acknowledge and reward that behavior! For instance, say something like, “It means so much to me that you shared that with me,” or “I’m so glad we were able to sit down and talk about this. ”
Spending quality time with you. Performing or receiving acts of service. Giving or receiving gifts. Expressing affection physically (e. g. , through hugs, handholding, backrubs, or sexual intimacy). Do activities and play games together, this allows more communication and social interaction between the two of you[14] X Expert Source Allen Wagner, MFT, MAMarriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
Go for a walk Eat a healthy snack Take a relaxing bath or shower Call a friend or family member to chat or vent Work on a hobby or creative project Meditate Do light stretches or yoga
If you’re not sure how to find a therapist, talk to your doctor. They may be able to recommend someone who has experience with relationship issues. Stonewalling or unresponsiveness can be extremely damaging in a relationship. If your partner does it intentionally to hurt or manipulate you, then this is a form of abusive behavior. It’s very important for them to recognize the issue and be willing to work on it.
