Always feeling down or empty after every interaction Never being enough, no matter how much you invest into the relationship Being accused of being the ‘aggressor’ when you try to clear the air An inability to keep information about you private Constantly insulting, demeaning, or bullying you Demanding unreasonable expectations out of you Telling you that you aren’t good enough for your spouse Using your children as a weapon against you
Try saying something to your mother-in-law like, “I know there’s been some tension recently between us. What can I do to make you feel more comfortable?[3] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSWPsychotherapist Expert Interview. 27 October 2021. There’s a difference between a reasonable and an unreasonable request. If your mother-in-law takes this as an opportunity to humiliate you or says abusive things to you, it’s OK to cut the conversation short and consider distancing yourself from the relationship. [4] X Research source
Bring this up to your mother-in-law by saying something like, “I want to have a closer relationship with you—how about we meet at that restaurant by your house for lunch on Saturday?”[6] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSWPsychotherapist Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.
“I feel humiliated when you say I need to be a better wife. I’m trying my best, and we have a strong marriage. ” “I feel frustrated when you talk to your friends about issues in my marriage. I really want to trust you, but it makes me uncomfortable to think that our conversations aren’t private. ” “I feel hurt when you say that I’m not a good father. I’m working on raising our daughter the best way I know how, and I don’t think that kind of comment is helpful. ”
Try not to get angry at your spouse for the behavior of their parents. You should expect solidarity from them when you’re being attacked, but keep in mind that they aren’t responsible for their mother’s behavior. Harshly criticizing your mother-in-law can cause your spouse to become protective of them. Focus on how your mother-in-law makes you feel using I-statements, rather than calling her names. If issues with your in-laws are threatening your marriage, seek out marriage counseling. This is a problem that you and your spouse can work through together, and having a professional support you is a great source of help. Tell your spouse you need more support by suggesting something like, “I love you, and I’m excited that we’re a part of each other’s families. But you know that your mom and I have been having issues. Can we work through this together? It makes me uncomfortable to say, but I need your support here. ”
Letting go of the need for approval from your mother-in-law Developing a strong social support system outside of your family Not buying into your mother-in-law’s idea of who you are
To set up boundaries with your mother-in-law, tell her something like, “I have a lot of respect for you, but in order for our relationship to work, we should have some rules. It’s important to me that you stay away from posting about us on social media. It attracts a lot of attention that we’re not comfortable with. ” Other boundaries you might want to give your mother-in-law include limiting the amount of time she spends with your kids, not using abusive language when speaking with you, and not making comparisons between you and her other children-in-law. If your mother-in-law crosses one of your boundaries, let her know that you won’t speak with her until you receive an apology. If you’re recovering from a particularly traumatic event with your mother-in-law, it’s OK to take time to heal. Don’t feel obligated to immediately get back in touch with your mother-in-law—wait until you feel like you’ve recovered from the incident before making amends. [12] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSWPsychotherapist Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.
Deescalation doesn’t mean you have to let yourself get trampled on. If your mother-in-law tells you something hurtful, simply say something like “I disagree with your assessment,” and move on. [14] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
When you accept that your mother-in-law likely won’t change, and that she will remain a part of your life, all that’s left for you to do is ask yourself how you can find a way to remain happy and secure.
