The toxic partner might regularly blame the abuse on the victim—known as gaslighting—so they may blame themselves. [2] X Expert Source Liana Georgoulis, PsyDLicensed Psychologist Expert Interview. 6 September 2018. The person might also think dysfunctional behaviors are the norm, especially if they witnessed toxic or abusive relationships in their childhood. Spending time around people in a healthy relationship can help someone realize that what they’re going through is not normal.
Studies show that an abused person is most likely to experience violence in their relationship when they’re leaving or shortly after ending the relationship. [4] X Research source Taking the steps to make these plans can feel scary and overwhelming, which can make a person stay longer than they normally would. However, by creating a safe exit plan, they’ll have a better chance of successfully getting out and ending the abuse.
When things are good, it can be really hard for the abused partner to leave. They may hope that things are better for good, and they don’t have as much motivation to uproot their life and risk upsetting their partner. [6] X Expert Source Jessica George, MA, CHtCertified Professional Master Life Coach Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
Often, the relationships will start with the narcissistic or abusive partner showing a lot of affection to the other person. Once there’s a strong bond there, the abuser will gradually start to criticize and belittle their victim, eroding their self-esteem over time. [9] X Expert Source Jay Reid, LPCCLicensed Professional Clinical Counselor Expert Interview. 7 August 2020. Low self-esteem can also be a defensive behavior—if they submit to their abuser, it can help minimize the severity of the abuse. These self-esteem issues can persist long after the relationship is over, making it hard to trust others in the future. That fear of trusting others can also make it difficult to reach out for help.
It can be really helpful to find a support system that can help the abused person get on their feet once they leave. If friends and family aren’t available to help, consider reaching out to local domestic abuse shelters or support hotlines.
Trauma bonding can look like a person making excuses for their partner, like, “She had a really rough childhood, and sometimes she acts out the abuse she suffered,” or, “He loves me even though his addiction makes him lie and steal from me. " Someone who has this type of affection might understand that their relationship is unhealthy, but they may feel like they have to stay because they’re the only person who can help their partner. They may also feel that leaving would be disloyal. [12] X Research source They may also be very defensive of their relationship if others criticize it. In some part, they may be hoping that by protecting their partner, their partner will protect them in return.
Many abusers will love-bomb their victims, meaning they shower their partner with gifts, affection, and over-the-top declarations of love to win them back after an incident of abuse. This can trick the victim into thinking the abuse won’t happen again.
The person might feel embarrassed to admit that their relationship was toxic, especially if it looked perfect from the outside. Abusers are often charming and manipulative, so this happens more than you might think. [16] X Research source They might also feel like they don’t have anyone who can help them, especially if their early attempts to disclose their abuse were brushed off. [17] X Research source
In some cases, the parent might feel it’s in the children’s best interest to have both of their parents present.
They might also stay because they’re afraid that they won’t be able to find another relationship in the future. [21] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source They could also feel like they can’t trust their family, friends, or even the police to help them. If the person is undocumented, they may worry that seeking help will expose their immigration status. [22] X Research source
This is especially common in younger people who may just be starting to learn about their own sexuality.
