They may have other plans on the book they can’t cancel. Maybe they already paid for a European vacation with their family, or they have a work trip they can’t cancel. If they don’t live near you, they may not be able to take enough time off of work to travel out for the wedding. Maybe there’s a health concern. For example, if they’re immunocompromised they likely won’t want to be around other people during the COVID pandemic. They might have financial issues. This can be a huge deal if you’re having a destination wedding or they can’t afford a gift for you right now.
It sounds a little harsh, but they don’t owe you a reason to begin with. People are allowed to attend or not attend things as they see fit. Even if you think their reason is invalid, try to take it in stride.
You might say, “Aw, that’s a bummer, but I understand. Thank you for giving me a heads up,” or, “I appreciate you telling me ahead of time. I’m sorry you can’t make it!” If they just declined on your e-vite but they didn’t say anything to you, don’t reach out to them to thank them. It’s probably just coming to come across as passive-aggressive if you do that.
You might say, “Your presence will be sorely missed. I’ll be sure to have a drink for you at the reception,” or, “I really wish you could be there, but I know stuff happens. I’ll be thinking of you!”
“Aw, that’s really disappointing. I was really hoping you’d be able to be there. Do you mind if I ask why you can’t make it?” “Is there something I did that’s making you not want to come? You’re one of my best friends and I was really hoping you’d be there. ”
“This kind of hurts. I know it’s totally unfair of me to ask, but I really want you there if you can make it. ” “I know we haven’t seen one another in a while, but it’s really going to suck if you can’t make my wedding. Can you please come?”
Try to frame the idea as a potential option, not as an absolute solution. For example, “Oh, well if you just want a +1, you can have one. Problem solved!” can come off as presumptuous. Instead, you might say, “I totally understand that you wouldn’t know anyone there and that would be scary. Would it help if I gave you a +1?”
It helps to remember that they could have just totally ghosted you on your wedding day, or made up some lie about an emergency keeping them from making it. They’re trying to do a kind thing by telling you ahead of time, even if it doesn’t feel that way now.
