This is probably the best way to go if you’re going to be actively involved in the relationship, since these meetups are in-person and the only people attending will be open minded. This can make the vetting process a lot easier. Meetup, the social organizing website, might have poly hangouts or dating events where you live. If you live in a big city, there may even be groups on social media dedicated to this. Believe it or not, swinger clubs do exist. This can be a great option if you’re both exploring together and you (and your wife) are comfortable with you having a girlfriend/boyfriend of your own. [2] X Research source
This is also a very good option if your wife is explicitly interested in getting physically intimate with someone, since a lot of guys hop on sites like Tinder just to find casual sex (which is totally okay). This is also a valid option if your wife is primarily interested in just chatting with a certain gender. A lot of people carry on long text-based convos with folks they meet online. Ashley Madison—a “dating” site designed for married people looking to cheat in a non-ethical way—may come to mind here. Unfortunately, it’s a bit of a problematic site. Many people aren’t being honest with their partners on that site, and they’ve had security issues in the past so it may not be anonymous. [4] X Research source
OKCupid actually has a variety of filters you can use to modify your results. Many of these filters are designed explicitly for folks in polyamorous or open relationships. [6] X Research source Feeld is probably a better option if sexual compatibility, kinks, or unique desires are important. It’s also designed primarily for couples and folks looking for threesomes, which is good if you want to be actively involved. [7] X Research source
This might be the best way to go if you’re doing this because she really wants to explore outside of your relationship and you don’t.
If you’re starting online, mention something like, “I am married to a wonderful husband, but we have an open relationship,” or something along those lines. You might consider including other key info as well. Info like, “You must be comfortable meeting my husband if we date,” or, “Only interested in pansexual, bisexual, or queer partners,” should be mentioned upfront. If she’s going to meet guys in-person, encourage her to tell potential partners as early as is reasonably possible. It might be strange for her to tell a potential guy “I’m married” within the first five minutes, but it should probably come up before the first date.
It could be you’re both polyamoryous, which means both of you are comfortable engaging in a relationship(s) with more than one partner as a couple. Maybe you’re exploring an open relationship, where the two of you have separate relationships outside of your marriage, without the other spouse’s involvement. You might be exploring a “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation to try and fulfill your wife’s needs for something you can’t or don’t want to give her (i. e. emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, or both). It might be that you’re interested in reinvigorating your relationship by swinging or exploring a kink. If you and your wife are not comfortable agreeing to this, do not proceed. It can be very difficult to get over the consequences here if both of you are not 100% on board.
The level of communication is extremely important. If you don’t want to know, your wife must agree to make a serious effort to not expose you to anything harmful. If you’re going to be open about this, the lines of communication are essential. The two of you must agree to check-in, discuss, and care for another by being open. Some couples set “veto” power for the other spouse (meaning you, here). With a veto rule, you have the ability to tell your wife “I am not comfortable with that” and they must accept that. Is anything off the table? Can your wife bring her boyfriend into your home when you’re there? What about if you’re not there? Are there agreed-upon curfews for safety reasons? Work all of this out ahead of time and together.
If you’re dating outside of the marriage, you should be doing this as well!
It’s also totally okay to not want to meet the boyfriend. There’s nothing wrong with that. If you’re seeking out a potential poly partner for the two of you, it’s best for you to meet guys at the same time as your wife, just so everyone is on the same page.
If your wife is spending all of her time with her boyfriend, tell her you miss her and ask her to spend more time with you. The fact that she has a boyfriend should not trump your marriage.
We absolutely are not judging, and there is nothing wrong with ethical non-monogamy, but it’s important to acknowledge that non-monogamous relationships can get messy. If things start going off the rails, do not ignore it or pretend it isn’t happening. Get help!
