She dismisses your point of view She expects you to do everything she wants She badmouths you to other people She holds grudges against you She makes you feel rejected or excluded at family gatherings She is manipulative and plays mind games She’s not interested in getting to know you She doubts your intentions or assumes the worst of you She tries to control your behavior or your relationship with her adult child She undermines your authority as a parent
Greet her with a smile every time you see her, try to engage in friendly conversations, and avoid reacting if she insults or mistreats you. If she makes a negative comment about your vegetarian diet, for example, avoid getting upset. You might say, “That pot roast you made is tempting, though!” and change the subject.
Perhaps your mother-in-law wants to come over multiple times a week, but you’re not comfortable with that. You could say, “How about we schedule dinner at our house once a week?” If she presses you to come over more often, simply say, “Our schedule is pretty hectic throughout the week. Once a week would work best for us. "
You might say, “When your mom disregards my authority in front of our kids, it makes me feel a little disrespected. I understand that she is their grandmother, but my perspective matters, too. " If you need to vent, talk to a friend or trusted family member first. That way, you can let out your feelings without saying anything you might regret. You can also try journaling to express your emotions in private. [5] X Research source
You might say, “Last time I came over, you seemed a little frustrated with me. I really would like us to get along, and I was wondering if there was anything that I did that might have upset you?” If she says no or seems unwilling to have a respectful conversation, let the subject go. Getting into a heated exchange might not help the situation, and you’re under no obligation to listen to her insult you if that’s how she responds. You could invite her to coffee or lunch so you can talk directly. [7] X Expert Source Erika KaplanMatchmaker Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.
You might try sitting at the opposite end of the table as your mother-in-law during family dinners. Say hi and be nice, but spend most of your time talking to other family members. Make concrete plans with a definite start and end time. You might say, “Would you like to come over for lunch from 12:00 pm to 2:00 pm?” If she presses to stay longer, let her know you have other plans later that day. Politely let your mother-in-law know that you have a previous engagement if you can’t or don’t want to attend a family gathering.
You might be tempted to adhere to all of your mother-in-law’s wishes and demands so that she will like you. Though it’s totally okay to want to please her (you’re only human), avoid doing so at the expense of your own mental health.
Next time she insults you for no reason or blames you for something out of your control, think to yourself, “My mother-in-law’s behavior has nothing to do with me” or “That hurts to hear, but she is going through a lot of pain right now. " It might be helpful to learn more about toxic parents and narcissism to remind yourself that her treatment is not your fault.
Next time your mother-in-law says something rude, you might think, “That’s just how my mother-in-law treats people. It is not a reflection of me” or “That wasn’t a very nice thing to say, but it has nothing to do with who I am. " It might be beneficial to practice mindfulness. This can help you focus on your surroundings and the present moment anytime thoughts about your mother-in-law are distracting or upsetting you.
Other things that can help you destress include going out for a long walk, any type of exercise, or listening to calming music. You might also try writing down what you’re grateful for in life. This can help you focus on the positive when things are tough.
Try writing down everything you like about yourself on a piece of paper. Next time you’re feeling sad about something your mother-in-law said to you, read over that list. If you’re really struggling, you might try talking to a therapist. They can give you some tools to build up your confidence and develop healthy self-esteem. If you’re interested, get a referral from your doctor or search online for a therapist in your area.
