Try not to explain it away, and don’t make excuses for the person who traumatized you. It might help to say it out loud, like, “I’ve been traumatized by this person, and I need to work through that. ”

It’s normal to feel sad, angry, and confused after a traumatic incident. You don’t need to get rid of these feelings altogether before you’re ready to forgive someone. Forgiveness is a decision, not an emotion. [6] X Expert Source Evan Parks, PsyDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 26 October 2021. Think about what forgiveness means to you so you’ll know what you’re working toward. For instance, you may give up the idea that they need to pay for what they’ve done so you can stop ruminating on it. [7] X Expert Source Evan Parks, PsyDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 26 October 2021.

Forgiveness can be really cathartic, and it can help you let go of feelings like sadness and anger.

If you don’t want to talk with a friend about it, consider opening up to a mental health professional.

For instance, maybe the person who hurt you was under extreme stress at the time. Or, maybe they didn’t know how to express themselves so they took their emotions out on you. This doesn’t excuse what they did, nor does it mean that you think it was right. Understanding their perspective can simply help you move forward and let go of the pain they caused you. [12] X Expert Source Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETSClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.

Try to be kind to yourself throughout the entire process, and don’t hold yourself to any unrealistic standards.

Forgiving someone can often improve your relationship with others, since working through trauma usually changes you for the better.

If you haven’t contacted the person who traumatized you in a while, there’s no need to do so just to tell them you forgive them. Talking to someone like that can put more stress on you than it’s worth. You don’t have to have a relationship with this person just because you forgave them—especially if they haven’t changed the behavior that hurt you in the first place. [16] X Expert Source Evan Parks, PsyDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 26 October 2021.

You might want to limit contact with this person, at least initially. For instance, if you used to see them in person often, stick to phone calls and text messages for now. In cases of severe trauma, you may need to cut contact with them for good. Forgiveness is something you can do on your own without talking to the other person at all. You could also remind the person that you forgave them once, but you might not be able to forgive them again.