Often, people with this attachment style want to be in a relationship, but at the same time, they have a hard time showing that they need to be close to others. [3] X Research source They might also look down on people who show their need for an emotional connection. You might notice that your partner will go long periods without texting or calling you, and they may have a hard time expressing their emotions. They might also project their fear of disappointment onto you, being especially critical if they feel you let them down in some way. [4] X Research source

You might also feel frustrated because you aren’t getting what you need from the relationship, and confused about what your partner really wants—especially if they’re warm and charming at first, but then pull away as you get closer. [6] X Research source

Even physical closeness can sometimes make a dismissive-avoidant person uncomfortable. Try not to take their distance personally—they just may be unsure how to deal with intimacy. [8] X Research source

When you’re more self-sufficient, it helps take some of the pressure off your partner to be your whole emotional support system. Interestingly, this can make an avoidant person more attracted to you.

For example, if you feel confused because you sometimes don’t hear from your partner for a week at a time, let them know you’d really like them to call or text you at least once a day. [10] X Research source If you’re feeling upset, give yourself some time to cool off before you try to talk about it. Your dismissive-avoidant partner may have an especially hard time communicating with you if you’re showing strong emotions. Be open to compromise—your partner won’t react well if they feel like you’re trying to control them.

This is a good approach to take with everyone in your life, but it’s vital to helping your dismissive-avoidant partner feel more secure around you. Although it might seem like they don’t need anyone, people with this attachment style usually do want to be loved and accepted by others. [13] X Research source In addition, avoid criticizing your partner—support the decisions that they make.

Start with small things, like showing up on time to dates or picking up the dry cleaning when you say you will. Over time, this will help your partner see that they can trust you with bigger things. [15] X Research source

If you really need your significant other to be constantly warm and loving, an avoidant person might not be right for you. On the other hand, if you’re able to build a trusting, secure relationship with your partner, they’ll likely become more comfortable being close with you over time. You just have to be patient and let them come around on their own time.

Good activities include hiking, going on bike rides, painting, playing, or building something together.

For instance, you might say something like, “I really appreciate you moving your schedule around so we can have dinner together. Thanks!” Do this even if they don’t get it exactly right—don’t point out what they could have done better. If you mix criticism and praise, it will have the opposite effect, and they’ll be less likely to repeat that behavior.

A therapist can also help you set reasonable boundaries together that you can both agree on. Couple’s counseling isn’t just for failing relationships! It can be a great tool to get closer to your partner at any stage. It’s especially helpful to find a therapist who specializes in attachment therapy. [20] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source