Hatch, dressed only in a thong and surrounded by flaming tiki torches, told reporters in Washington that he would forgo matching funds and instead use his “Survivor” winnings to finance what he called “the most negative, manipulative, back-stabbing political campaign in history.”
“I will prevail,” Hatch bluntly predicted.
It was not immediately known what Hatch planned to do about a running mate, but sources close to the frequently naked candidate said that he had already put together a short list of vice-presidential possibilities, both of whom he met on the “Survivor” island: aspiring actor Gervase and former Navy Seal, Rudy.
Gervase, when asked about his potential candidacy, said he would accept the nomination “if it would lead to more auditions.” The perennially ornery Rudy would not speculate on his chances of his being chosen, but did tell a reporter, “I sure as hell hope it’s not me; that Richard guy gives me the damn willies.”
The two major party candidates remained upbeat in the face of the “Survivor” challenge, despite polls showing Hatch soundly defeating both of them. “Frankly, I didn’t even see the show this summer,” said Vice President Al Gore. “I was too busy kissing my wife.”
Texas Governor George W. Bush brushed off Hatch’s challenge in a speech to supporters in Houston. “I’m going to continue to bring my positive message to the American people,” said Bush, biting the head off a roasted rat.
