Why does this work? Active listening is not only about paying attention to another person, but showing them that you’re paying attention. When you and your partner take steps to improve your active listening skills, you’ll each feel heard, respected, and more thoroughly understood. Let the other person speak uninterrupted. Nod, lean toward them, and maintain eye contact to indicate engagement in what they’re saying. Listen without judgment to what they say. Being nonjudgmental is less about not being judgmental than it is about going into the conversation with an open mind and working to withhold any judgments you do have. [2] X Research source Repeat what they have said back to them so they know you have been paying attention and understand what they said. When you do speak, try to adopt a calm, clear, undefensive tone. This may not always be possible depending on the subject, but the calmer you both are during an argument, the easier it will be to come to a resolution.
Why does this work? It’s easy to assume our emotions are universal, or that our significant others will instinctively know what we’re feeling and what we need. These assumptions are often…well, totally wrong. Clarifying expectations will help you both understand one another and resolve disagreements more swiftly. Your husband’s tendency to misinterpret what you say could be due to him being overly sensitive. If this is the case, explicitly expressing needs and feelings may help him avoid overanalyzing what you say or taking offense where you meant none. Being specific doesn’t mean overexplaining: communicate your needs and expectations clearly, but try to keep it simple. Some men jump to “fix” problems when their partners voice them, but often, this isn’t what their partners actually want! Help him understand that you’re not always looking for a solution, you just want him to hear you.
Why does this work? When you’re frustrated with your partner, it can be tempting to criticize them as a person—which can make them get defensive or resentful. But resolving a disagreement means approaching the issue from a place of grace and patience, not vindictiveness or resentment. Criticism is one of psychologist John Gottman’s 4 Horsemen of divorce—that is, 4 predictors a couple will break up. If you and your partner sometimes criticize each other, don’t worry that a breakup is on the horizon: just work to make your arguments more productive. [4] X Research source Resist the urge to punish your partner when they do or say something that upsets you (e. g. , by criticizing or withdrawing from them).
Why does this work? Listening with empathy and trying to understand where he’s coming from will help him feel supported as well as make him more receptive to what you are saying. This will help you both avoid misinterpreting each other. Ask him what he thinks you don’t understand about his perspective, so that you can address it. [5] X Research source Ask him how he feels about what he’s telling you. For instance, “How did you feel when you got turned down for that promotion?” He may say, “I felt angry,” but he might also shrug it off, not wanting to get into it. If he shrugs off the question, respond empathetically with how you might feel in his shoes: “I would feel pretty upset,” or “I can tell by the look on your face you’re pretty disappointed. ”[6] X Research source Are you dealing with a spouse who always needs to be “right”? It may be an indicator he struggles with low self-esteem.
Why does this work? “I” language in disagreements yields faster and more effective resolutions than “you” language. “I” language will show your husband how you feel, as well as not lay all the blame for a situation on him or insult his person. For instance, instead of “You need to change,” say, “I feel like things need to change. ” Using “I” language doesn’t mean never saying “you. ” It just means not using “you” in an accusatory way. Using “you” accusatorily is likely to make your spouse get defensive (defensiveness is another of Gottman’s 4 Horsemen).
Why does this work? Pointing fingers, going on tangents, or trying to “win” the fight can make your spouse defensive, distracted, confused, or unnecessarily hurt or guilty—all of which are counterproductive to resolving a disagreement. If you’re arguing about how your husband doesn’t do the dishes enough, avoid exploding the fight by bringing up past offenses, like that time 10 years ago when he dropped $200 on concert tickets when you were both behind on rent. When your husband says something that triggers defensiveness in you, try not to deflect by hurling an accusation back at him. For instance, if he expresses that something you did upset him, resist the urge to retort with, “Oh yeah? Well what about when you…. ” If your husband insists on going off-topic, ask him firmly but gently if you can stay focused on the immediate issue. Offer to address his topics at a later time, if he wants.
Why does this work? Men in particular are often socialized not to engage with their deeper emotions. Dissecting a “superficial” argument to explore what deeper problems and feelings underlie it can help you both resolve the disagreement as well as grow emotionally closer and feel more intimate. For instance, you might say, “I can’t believe you spent your money on that,” and your spouse might feel confused and defensive: why should you care, he might wonder. But the underlying issue may be related to your concerns about money: maybe going over budget makes you feel insecure, while saving money gives you a feeling of stability and safety.
Why does this work? The advice “Don’t go to bed angry” may be well-intentioned, but the truth is that some issues can’t be resolved in one discussion. The pressure to resolve a disagreement immediately can tire you out—and being tired just makes you more likely to stop listening and say things you don’t mean. Be sure to express to your partner that you aren’t avoiding fighting by ducking out and that you really want to come to a solution when you’re feeling more rested. Don’t table your discussion for too long, though—otherwise, you run the risk of it never being resolved and of your partner feeling ignored. To let them know you’re serious about continuing the conversation, schedule a specific time to talk again the next day or later that week—and then stick to it.
Why does this work? Many arguments happen because one or both parties feels uncertain of their partner’s love, respect, and appreciation. Fighting could be your husband’s misguided way of trying to get your attention. Showing him regularly that you love him will help you fight more productively, as well as less often. Express how you feel about him and acknowledge his hard work: “I love you so much, Ana. I’m so lucky to have a guy like you. ” “Thanks for making dinner! That was great. ” “You work so hard. I really appreciate everything you do. ” Make plenty of time to talk—without arguing. Set aside time each evening to talk about your day, and plan regular dates so you get enough attention from one another. If you feel neglected by your husband, express that to him: “Dave, I love you, but I feel like lately we only talk to argue. Can we make a date to spend some quality time together?” “Johann, I’m really not feeling valued in this relationship. I don’t feel like my work is acknowledged. ” “I really need to hear you say you love me more, Gregor. ”
Why does this work? Articles like this one may help you understand your spouse and yourself a bit better, but you both need to do the work to understand your dynamic and how it can be improved. You’re only responsible for your behavior, and he’s responsible for his. Ask your partner what triggers may lead to escalation in a fight. Your partner likely has triggers you wouldn’t have considered, and vice versa. When you take a pause from your fight, use it as an opportunity to ask your partner how they think the fight is going—not the issue the fight stemmed from, but the fight itself. Do they think you’re both doing a good job listening to one another and understanding one another?
Why does this work? It can be hard to improve your communication style without a guide. A couples counselor will work to understand your relationship dynamic and, more importantly, help you both to understand your dynamic. Many counselors, like Better Help, offer remote counseling for your convenience. You or your husband may also benefit from individual counseling. Augment weekly counseling with one-on-one time for you and your spouse: make a ritual of seeing a movie after each session, or get coffee or lunch after therapy so you can talk about the session or just enjoy each other’s company.
